tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41671411414700279592024-02-07T12:54:47.016-08:00Relationship AdviceJessica Engle, MFT--Specializing in social, dating, and relationship issuesJessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-13001047948438908442015-07-05T16:01:00.003-07:002015-07-05T19:51:10.003-07:00Quiz: Is Dating Anxiety Keeping You Single?<div align="left" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">
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Does dating anxiety prevent you from finding the love you
crave? Take the following assessment to find out:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Please indicate how much the following problems have
bothered you during the past week.<br />
0 = Not at all 1 = A little bit 2 = Somewhat 3 = Very much 4
= Extremely</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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Score<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
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<td style="height: 14.45pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 396.9pt;" valign="top" width="529"><div class="MsoNormal">
1. I am afraid of people who I
find attractive.<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="height: 14.45pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 56.3pt;" valign="top" width="75"><div class="MsoNormal">
______<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<td style="height: 14.45pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 396.9pt;" valign="top" width="529"><div class="MsoNormal">
2. I am bothered by blushing in
front of people who I find attractive .<o:p></o:p></div>
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<td style="height: 14.45pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 56.3pt;" valign="top" width="75"><div class="MsoNormal">
______<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
</td>
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<td style="height: 13.85pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 396.9pt;" valign="top" width="529"><div class="MsoNormal">
3. I am scared of going on dates
and attending social events where I might interact with people who I
find attractive.<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
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<br /></div>
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______<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
</td>
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4. I avoid talking to strangers who
I find attractive .<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="height: 14.45pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 56.3pt;" valign="top" width="75"><div class="MsoNormal">
______<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
</td>
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<td style="height: 14.45pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 396.9pt;" valign="top" width="529"><div class="MsoNormal">
5. Being criticized by
someone who I find attractive scares me a lot.<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="height: 14.45pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 56.3pt;" valign="top" width="75"><div class="MsoNormal">
______<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<td style="height: 14.45pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 396.9pt;" valign="top" width="529"><div class="MsoNormal">
6. Fear of embarrassment causes me
to avoid dating or speaking to people who I find attractive.<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="height: 14.45pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 56.3pt;" valign="top" width="75"><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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______<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
</td>
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<td style="height: 14.45pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 396.9pt;" valign="top" width="529"><div class="MsoNormal">
7. Sweating in front of
people who I find attractive causes me distress.<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="height: 14.45pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 56.3pt;" valign="top" width="75"><div class="MsoNormal">
______<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
</td>
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<td style="height: 14.45pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 396.9pt;" valign="top" width="529"><div class="MsoNormal">
8. I avoid dating and going to
parties where I might interact with people who I find attractive.<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="height: 14.45pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 56.3pt;" valign="top" width="75"><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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______<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
</td>
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<td style="height: 13.85pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 396.9pt;" valign="top" width="529"><div class="MsoNormal">
9. I avoid dating or speaking to
people who I find attractive because I don't want to be the center
of attention.<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
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______<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
</td>
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<td style="height: 14.45pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 396.9pt;" valign="top" width="529"><div class="MsoNormal">
10. I'm scared of talking
to strangers who I find attractive.<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="height: 14.45pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 56.3pt;" valign="top" width="75"><div class="MsoNormal">
______<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
</td>
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<td style="height: 14.45pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 396.9pt;" valign="top" width="529"><div class="MsoNormal">
11. I often can't think of anything
to say when interacting with someone who I find attractive. <o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="height: 14.45pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 56.3pt;" valign="top" width="75"><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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______<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<td style="height: 14.45pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 396.9pt;" valign="top" width="529"><div class="MsoNormal">
12. I would do anything to avoid
being criticized by someone who I find attractive.<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
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<br /></div>
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______<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
</td>
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<td style="height: 15.1pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 396.9pt;" valign="top" width="529"><div class="MsoNormal">
13. Heart palpitations bother me
when I am around people who I find attractive.<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
______<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<td style="height: 15.1pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 396.9pt;" valign="top" width="529"><div class="MsoNormal">
14. I am afraid of doing things
when people who I find attractive might be watching.<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
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<br /></div>
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______<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
</td>
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<td style="height: 15.1pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 396.9pt;" valign="top" width="529"><div class="MsoNormal">
15. Being embarrassed or
looking stupid to people who I find attractive is among my worst
fears.<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="height: 15.1pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 56.3pt;" valign="top" width="75"><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
______<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
</td>
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<td style="height: 15.1pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 396.9pt;" valign="top" width="529"><div class="MsoNormal">
16. Trembling or shaking in front of
people who I find attractive is distressing me.<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="height: 15.1pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 56.3pt;" valign="top" width="75"><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
______<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
</td>
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<td style="height: 15.1pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 396.9pt;" valign="top" width="529"><div class="MsoNormal">
17. I use substances to manage the
fear I feel when on a date or otherwise interacting with someone who I find
attractive.<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="height: 15.1pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 56.3pt;" valign="top" width="75"><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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______<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<tbody>
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Severity<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="padding: 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt;" valign="top"><div class="MsoNormal">
None<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="padding: 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt;" valign="top"><div class="MsoNormal">
Mild<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="padding: 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt;" valign="top"><div class="MsoNormal">
Moderate<o:p></o:p></div>
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<td style="padding: 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt;" valign="top"><div class="MsoNormal">
Severe<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="padding: 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt;" valign="top"><div class="MsoNormal">
Very Severe<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
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<td style="padding: 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt;" valign="top"><div class="MsoNormal">
Score<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="padding: 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt;" valign="top"><div class="MsoNormal">
Less than 20<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="padding: 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt;" valign="top"><div class="MsoNormal">
21 - 30<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="padding: 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt;" valign="top"><div class="MsoNormal">
31 - 40<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="padding: 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt;" valign="top"><div class="MsoNormal">
41 - 50<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="padding: 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt;" valign="top"><div class="MsoNormal">
51 or more<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you scored anywhere between mild to very severe dating
anxiety, know that you're not alone. Dating anxiety is a subset of <a href="http://jessicaengle.blogspot.com/2011/08/do-you-feel-awkward-in-social.html" target="_blank">social anxiety disorder</a>, which affects some 15 million American adults. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Thankfully, dating anxiety is treatable. I've helped hundreds
of singles gain greater self-confidence and develop loving relationships.
<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you scored in the mild to moderate dating anxiety range,
I recommend attending one of my <a href="http://www.jessicaengle.com/">upcoming
groups or workshops</a> and/or contacting me about <a href="http://www.jessicaengle.com/dating_skills_for_single_men.htm">individual
therapy or dating coaching</a>. If you
scored in the severe to very severe range, I recommend individual therapy prior
to pursuing group work.<o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This Dating Anxiety Assessment draws from the Social
Phobia Inventory (SPIN), a 17-item self-rating scale for social anxiety
disorder (social phobia). Please note - your assessment results don't
constitute a clinical diagnosis and are intended to be used for educational
purposes only.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Resources (all accessed 7/5/15):<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.adaa.org/screening-social-anxiety-disorder">http://www.adaa.org/screening-social-anxiety-disorder</a><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11668666">http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11668666</a><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.serene.me.uk/tests/spin.pdf">http://www.serene.me.uk/tests/spin.pdf</a><o:p></o:p></div>
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<tr><td align="left" colspan="2" height="25" style="border: 0px solid rgb(1, 1, 1);" valign="top" width="589"><br /></td></tr>
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</div>
Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-6141066754324391522015-02-22T17:16:00.001-08:002015-02-22T17:19:16.232-08:0011 Tips for Overcoming Dating and Social Anxiety<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -31.5pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;">1.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal;">
</span></span></b><b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -31.5pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;">Get to Know Dating & Social Anxiety</span></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 0.25in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 31.5pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Read, attend workshops, and observe yourself. Begin clarifying
your unique experience of dating and/or social
anxiety. Once you have a clear picture of what's holding you back, you'll
be able to take more effective steps towards recovery. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 31.5pt; text-indent: -31.5pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">2.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal;">
</span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">Learn How to Self-Soothe<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 0.25in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 31.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Acquire tools to help soothe yourself in anxiety-provoking
situations. Mindfulness, deep breathing,
self-massage, even a cup of chamomile tea can comfort an anxious heart. Use your newfound tools on a daily basis so
that they become second nature in social and dating situations.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 31.5pt; text-indent: -31.5pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">3.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal;">
</span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">Adopt a Low-Anxiety Lifestyle<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Anxiety is allergic to self care! Lower your base level of anxiety by paying
special attention to your “basic needs” – eat a healthy diet, sleep and rest
aplenty, exercise, and avoid caffeine. You may be surprised by how much this eases
your anxiety.</span><br />
<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 31.5pt; text-indent: -31.5pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">4.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal;">
</span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">Transform Self-Hatred into Self-Love<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 0.25in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 31.5pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Start to observe your self-critical thoughts.
Listen carefully -- how does your inner critic put you down? See the critic as a character separate from
you, one that you can tune out, turn down, and even address directly. <br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 31.5pt; text-indent: -31.5pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">5.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal;">
</span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">Practice Loving Kindness<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 0.25in;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As you start to quiet your inner critic's dialogue, fill your mind with
self-affirming statements. Speak to yourself as you would speak to a
loved one. This may be hard at first and the inner
critic may return with a vengeance! Stay
focused on offering yourself compassion, gentleness, and affirmations. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">6.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal;">
</span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">Don’t Believe Everything You Think<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 31.5pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Self-criticism is one example of the <i>distorted
thinking</i> that underpins social and dating anxiety. Begin to question your thoughts about social
and dating situations. Is s/he actually
judging you or could she be having a bad day?
Do you have any evidence to prove that s/he doesn’t want you to ask her
out? Use cognitive behavioral therapy exercises
to identify and correct your thinking errors.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: 31.5pt; text-indent: -31.5pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">7.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal;">
</span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">Get Creative<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anxiety stops spontaneity and joy in its tracks. Rebel!
Create, play, and enjoy yourself wherever you can. Let music, drama,
dance, and any other artistic practice rewire your brain for greater
flexibility and emotional expression.
And if you “aren’t a creative person,” find a friend, book, or community
to help you develop your inner artist.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: 31.5pt; text-indent: -31.5pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">8.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal;">
</span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">Dig Deep – Healing the Historical Roots of Relationship
Anxiety<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.25in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 31.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Explore the connection between your history and
anxiety. Do you fear others’ judgment
because you were criticized and bullied growing up? Has the racism, sexism, heterosexism, etc. in
our society taught you that you’re not good enough? Are you terrified of dating because you grew
up watching your parents fight and divorce?
Once you’ve uncovered the roots of your anxiety, you’ll have a chance to
choose a new future rather than reliving the past.</span><b style="font-size: 14pt;"><br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--></b><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: 31.5pt; text-indent: -31.5pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">9.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal;">
</span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">Befriend Small Talk<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 31.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="font-size: large;">
Do you find that your anxiety is the
greatest in unstructured environments?
Develop an internal sense of structure and predictability by learning
the do’s and don’ts of socializing and dating.
There are countless resources available to help you improve your social
and dating skills, including books, videos, and workshops.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 31.5pt; text-indent: -31.5pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">10.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal;"> </span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">The Only Way Out Is
Through<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 0.25in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 31.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Once you’ve developed the ability to self-soothe, find ways
to challenge your anxiety. Progressively
expose yourself to anxiety-inducing situations -- as you face your fears armed
with your newfound skills and insights, your brain will slowly stop associating
social and dating situations with fear. A
few great ways to take baby steps towards your goals include:</span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; text-indent: -0.25in;">Visualizing yourself
communicating effectively in situations you fear</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; text-indent: -0.25in;">Role-playing</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; text-indent: -0.25in;">Attending workshops/events that
provide a structured social environment (e.g. social skills workshops,
improvisation classes, speed dating events)</span></li>
</ul>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: 31.5pt; text-indent: -31.5pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">11.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal;"> </span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="font-size: 18pt;">Get Support<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.25in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 31.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Don’t try to heal from dating and social anxiety on your
own! As social animals, we need one
another for comfort and support. Find
trustworthy peers, therapists, and communities who understand what you’re going
through. As the old proverb goes, “a
sorrow shared is but half a trouble, but a joy that's shared is a joy made
double.”</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-73103832668573382212015-02-07T14:38:00.001-08:002015-02-07T14:38:35.331-08:00Top 5 Reasons to Game on Valentine's Day<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">A new article from Games of Berkeley -- I share about how board games are a great way to meet love interests and bond with your significant other. Enjoy!</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;" />
<a href="http://www.gamesofberkeley.com/blogs/news/18708139-top-5-reasons-to-game-on-valentines-day" rel="nofollow nofollow" style="background-color: white; color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">http://www.gamesofberkeley.com/blogs/news/18708139-top-5-reasons-to-game-on-valentines-day</a>Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-20564215229449895762015-02-01T08:11:00.000-08:002015-02-01T17:38:39.709-08:003 Steps to Greater Confidence<pre wrap=""><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Whether that you're looking for greater ease in your social, work, or romantic life, here are <b>three steps you can take towards greater confidence</b>.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>1. Soothe</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Confidence relies upon what psychologists call "distress tolerance," which is the ability to handle painful emotions and situations. <b>Distress tolerance -- and thus confidence -- rely upon our capacity to self-soothe,</b> or give ourselves extra comfort and care in difficult moments. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How do you support yourself when faced with a challenge? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We can soothe ourselves using both internal and external resources. A <b><i>resource </i></b>is anything that supports us in a time of need. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Examples of internal resources include: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> - Positive self talk</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> - <a href="http://jessicaengle.blogspot.com/2015/01/mindfulness-meditation-for-overcoming.html">Meditation</a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> - Deep breathing</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> - Gratitude lists</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">External resources are things like:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> - A cup of tea</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> - Your favorite pet</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> - Therapy</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> - Massage</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To build your confidence, <b>practice self-care on a regular basis</b> and especially when stressed. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">2. Challenge</span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Once you've begun to increase your self-soothing skills, the next step in building confidence is to challenge yourself.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Intentionally place yourself in situations that you typically fear and avoid</b>. Choose situations that are challenging enough to raise your anxiety, but not so difficult that you can't get anything from the experience. Cognitive behavioral therapists suggest choosing situations that evoke an anxiety level of 30-50 on a scale of 0-100.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Before, during, and after placing yourself in an anxiety-provoking situation, use your new self-soothing skills. <b>Only by combining soothing with challenge can we effectively and progressively expand our comfort zones.</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">3. Connect</span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Human beings naturally derive confidence from their relationships. When we're isolated or
have difficult relationships, we're more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>To build your confidence, reach out for healthy connections</b>. Find people who can empathize with you and understand what you're going through. Here are a few suggestions:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> - <a href="http://www.jessicaengle.com/groups_and_workshops.htm">Support groups</a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> - Online forums</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> - Understanding friends and family</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> - Psychotherapists</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For most people, our relationships are both resources and challenges. See if you can soak in and store away the good moments and reframe the uncomfortable moments as opportunities to expand gain greater confidence.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><b>If you're looking for soothing, challenge, and connection but don't know how to get started, join me for one of my <a href="http://www.jessicaengle.com/groups_and_workshops.htm">upcoming workshops or groups</a>, including my <a href="http://jessicaengle.blogspot.com/2015/01/overcoming-social-and-dating-anxiety.html">Overcoming Dating and Social Anxiety Skill-Building workshops and groups</a> beginning in February and March, 2015.</b></i></span></div>
</pre>
Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-2014065593737758762015-01-26T16:28:00.000-08:002015-01-26T16:35:59.537-08:00Overcoming Social and Dating Anxiety Groups and Workshops in Feb & March, 2015!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZcMjmAK5KyIHaP9vEAITseehO_PTziE89hujHJiOIVbmtbURZllPUhZm8XMZHZVQyTH4Z7BvQ1QZ4u5hzmzeMOGtOedXMzxS9VyiuHzmk4y8iBPZq-kMKakNwjoFuFo0HmCBRhEdvXWkN/s1600/ODSA+Flier+-+Intro+Workshop+++Groups+Starting+Feb+&+Mar+2015.jpg" height="640" width="494" /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
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<b><i><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></i></b>
<b><i><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Introductory Workshop<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></b></div>
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<span style="line-height: 18.3999996185303px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>1:00 – 2:30 p.m., Sunday, Feb 8</b><sup><b>th</b><o:p></o:p></sup></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Space is limited</i> -- reserve your spot by paying in advance - $15<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: start;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Otherwise -- $20 at the door, first come, first serve<b><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<b><i><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">10-Session Skill-Building Groups<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></b></div>
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<span style="line-height: 18.3999996185303px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">(30-minute phone intake required to join)<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 18.3999996185303px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Wednesdays, 12:00-1:30 p.m.<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>2/18-4/22, 2015</b><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">$100 deposit and $45/session<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 18.3999996185303px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Get $50 off! Pay in full ($500) by 2/1<b><o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Sundays, 1:00-2:30 p.m.<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>3/1-5/3, 2015</b><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">$100 deposit and $45/session<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: start;">
<span style="line-height: 18.3999996185303px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Get $50 off! Pay in full ($500) by 2/15</span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 18.3999996185303px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">All groups and workshops are held at 1265 65<sup>th</sup> Street, Emeryville, CA 94608</span></span></b><br />
<b><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></b></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Do
you make excuses to avoid groups, authority figures, and/or love interests?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Do
you blush, sweat, or tremble in dating and social situations?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Do
fears of rejection and humiliation stop you from making satisfying connections?</span></li>
</ul>
<div style="text-indent: -24px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18.3999996185303px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Learn <b>fundamental skills </b>for overcoming dating and social
anxiety in a group of <b>like-minded peers.
Soothe and face your fears</b> through mindfulness meditations, cognitive
behavioral exercises, role-play, and other <b>gentle-yet-challenging</b> group
activities, all with the support of a <b>social anxiety specialist</b>. Group topics include:</span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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</div>
<ul>
<li><b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Dating and Social Anxiety</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"> – What is it and Why Do I Have It?</span></li>
<li><b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Soothing Anxiety</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"> – Mindfulness and Other
Anxiety-Reduction Techniques</span></li>
<li><b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Adopting a Low-Anxiety
Lifestyle</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"> – How
Anxiety’s Allergic to Self-Care</span></li>
<li><b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Inner Critic Be Gone!</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"> – Shifting from Self-Hatred to Self-Love</span></li>
<li><b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Don’t Believe Everything
You Think</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"> – Cognitive
Behavioral Therapy for Anxiety</span></li>
<li><b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Digging Deeper</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"> – Healing the Historical Roots of Relationship
Anxiety</span></li>
<li><b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Befriending Small Talk</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"> – Building Your Dating and Social Skills</span></li>
<li><b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">The Only Way Out Is
Through</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"> – Role-Playing
and Other Forms of Exposure Therapy</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>About the Facilitator: Jessica Engle, MFT #81850</b><b><span style="color: #161413;"> </span></b>is a therapist and coach who helps singles, socially
anxious adults, and couples relate with greater ease. She graduated from the
California Institute of Integral Studies with an M.A. in Counseling Psychology,
emphasis Drama Therapy. Since 2010,
Jessica has used evidence-based, experiential, and creative approaches to help hundreds
gain social and romantic satisfaction. </span></div>
<br />
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For info or to set up your intake call,
contact Jessica Engle at (408) 622-1000 or info@jessicaengle.com</span><i style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
</div>
Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-58779256258745949022015-01-17T22:35:00.002-08:002015-02-22T18:09:35.171-08:00Free Audio Download! Mindfulness Meditation for Overcoming Dating and Social Anxiety<audio controls="" src="http://www.jessicaengle.com/linked/mindfulness_meditation_for_overcoming_dating_and_social_anxiety.mp3">
Your browser does not support this audio
</audio><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>To download, right or double click and save to your device</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mindfulness meditation has much to offer those of you who
suffer from dating and social anxiety. In
this audio, I’ll walk you through a basic mindfulness exercise focused on the
breath. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Practicing mindfulness can relieve anxiety symptoms, such as
body tension, chronic pain, feeling “on edge,” shaking, blushing, and panic
attacks. By regularly refocusing our
attention on the present moment, we
give our mind-body a much-needed break from fear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I liken mindfulness to listening to the radio – though you
may find yourself tuned into the Catastrophe Channel or Self-Hatred Station,
you have the freedom to switch to a more peaceful station.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I walk clients through a beginning mindfulness exercise
similar to the one provided here, they predictably (and often anxiously) tell
me they didn’t do it right. They were
unable to focus and remain in a consistently peaceful state. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You’re right on track,” I say.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The mind is made to think, plan, and solve. And modern life trains us to stay active, especially mentally. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Considering this,” I tell my clients, “it’s
natural to struggle when we seek quiet and stillness. And it certainly doesn’t mean you failed at mindfulness.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sitting in meditation opens us up to that which typically resides in our unconscious mind. We have a chance to meet,
feel, and befriend our unexpressed self.
While sometimes uncomfortable, this can give us the self-awareness
needed to socialize and date confidently.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I encourage you to <i>expect</i>
discomfort and distraction during meditation.
Work through these moments using what Dr. Dan Siegel refers to as COAL:
curiosity, openness, acceptance, and love.
These very qualities not only ease meditation, by they also lay the foundation
for more compassionate relationships.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you’d like to learn more about and practice mindfulness
techniques to improve your anxiety, please join me for one of my upcoming <a href="http://www.jessicaengle.com/groups_and_workshops.htm" target="_blank">Overcoming Dating and Social Anxiety workshops or groups</a>.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-52266459853372028742015-01-16T17:12:00.001-08:002015-01-16T17:12:19.619-08:00Overcoming Dating and Social Anxiety: A 10-Week Skill Building Group starting 2/18/15<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsWNRPW_iH9BJipOXFCff2F4LmJIrOi0ORw4PqG060amFDw7bra8kZSgCpZqOlajfmf8ZTHFSfohsHlbFJ9P_FHF3FPiPJU2h-k1MhgnoacrXwCCRTMzjPEHHF0Redn9tNwqufE9ne8OUm/s1600/1jessicaengle0101+(1).jpg" height="640" width="494" /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">FAQs about the
Overcoming Dating and Social Anxiety Group<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>1.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal;"> </span></b><!--[endif]--><b>I’ve taken a similar workshop before. Would I get something out of this group?<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This group focuses on fundamental skills, some but not all
of which we’ve taught previously in similar groups and workshops. These fundamental skills go beyond
basics. We believe they are the
foundation of anxiety recovery as well as the bread and butter of maintaining a
low-anxiety lifestyle. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you’ve learned similar skills before, you may want to use
this group to practice your skills in a group (read: anxiety inducing)
environment. In this way the group acts
as an exposure therapy opportunity, i.e. a place to face your fears with
support. Repetition and practice are key
when it comes to healing life-long issues like anxiety. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you feel you’ve got the fundamentals and basic group
exposure down, contact us to find a group better suited to your needs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>2.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal;"> </span></b><!--[endif]--><b>I’m scared! The group description mentions
role-playing and I hear you use drama therapy in your workshops. What if I’m too anxious to participate?<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We’ll never forced you to do anything you don’t want to
do. We hope you’ll find the group environment
to be one of support and acceptance. While
we encourage you to step out of your comfort zone, we also know that one of the
keys to overcoming anxiety is to engage in <i>moderately</i>
anxiety-inducing exercises in a supportive environment. We do our best to tailor our exercises as
such and encourage you to participate only to the extent you’re willing and
able.</span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>3.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal;"> </span></b><!--[endif]--><b>How much of this group is focused on dating
versus social anxiety issues?<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The group focuses on both simultaneously. In fact, dating anxiety is a subset of social
anxiety however most people don’t know this -- we wanted to ensure we
reached those of you who are dealing with dating issues but don't know anxiety's the culprit. If you’re looking for a dating-specific group
and feel anxiety isn’t your issue, please contact us to find a more suitable group.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>4.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal;"> </span></b><!--[endif]--><b>What are the fees for this group?<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you pay in full by February 1<sup>st</sup>, 2015, the
group fee is $500. If you pay after 2/1,
the fee is $550, which you can provide in either one payment or $50 at each
session. If you pay per session, you’ll
need to submit a $100 non-refundable deposit to hold your spot in the group.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>5.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal;"> </span></b><!--[endif]--><b>Do I need to pay the full fee if I can’t
make it to all the sessions?<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yes, you do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We know that life sometimes gets in the way. And, as you can imagine, the very anxiety we're addressing in this group may stop members from attending some sessions. This is understandable, but we must receive </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">full payment from each member to support the group's costs</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">. For this
reason, we suggest you carefully consider and discuss in your intake call
whether this group is right for you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Another note about attendance – if you know in advance that
you will miss more than 2 sessions, we recommend joining a future group that
you’ll be able to attend more frequently.
This is both to support your healing process (consistency is key!) and
the integrity of the group.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>6.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal;"> </span></b><!--[endif]--><b>How many people will be participating?<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We’ll start out with 15 people. I say start because, as described above, life
and anxiety may stop some of our members from attending sessions. Chances are the group will be anywhere
between 8 and 12 people on a given night, with the first meeting being the
largest.</span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>7.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal;"> </span></b><!--[endif]--><b>Wow, that’s a lot of people. I typically can’t function in that big a
group. Is this the right group for me?<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Great question, and I encourage you to be honest with
yourself about this – as mentioned above, once you’ve started the group you’ll
be expected for all sessions regardless of your attendance, even if it’s social
anxiety that’s keeping you from showing up.
Feel free to discuss this with us during your intake call. And if you know this group will be too
challenging, we encourage you to contact us about individual therapy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>8.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal;"> </span></b><!--[endif]--><b>Who participate in your groups?<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">People from all backgrounds participate, which makes the
groups wonderfully enriching. Dating and
social anxiety don’t discriminate -- you'll see group members of all ages,
genders, cultures, races, sexual orientations, abilities, etc. Because social and dating anxiety are
cultural issues, the group tends to have a high percentage of people of color,
immigrants, first generation folk, and others who come from oppressed and
marginalized populations. We seek to create an inclusive, culturally
competent group environment.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<br />Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-18446017101665741202014-01-29T09:34:00.003-08:002015-09-13T16:03:38.778-07:00Book Recommendations for Singles<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here are some great books to check out if you're looking for love, sex, and romance. </span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I''m offering my own recommendations as well as those from<b> </b>clients and colleagues. I've *starred those I especially recommend. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I love hearing about new resources -- if you have any suggestions, please share them below.</span><br />
<div>
<div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>*Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find -- And Keep -- Love</i>, by Amir Leving and Rachel S.F. Heller.</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>*The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook: Proven, Step-By-Step Techniques for Overcoming Your Fear</i>, by Martin M. Antony and Richard P. Swinson</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>*No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life</i>, by Dr. Robert A. Glover.</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>*If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? Ten Strategies That Will Change Your Love Life Forever</i>, by Susan Page</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">*Do Gentlemen Really Prefer Blondes? Bodies, Behavior, and Brains -- The Science Behind Sex, Love, & Attraction</i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, by Jena Pincott</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">*Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself</i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, by Melody Beattie</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">*How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships</i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, by Leil Lowndes</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How to Win Friends & Influence People: The Only Book You Need to Lead You to Success</i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, by Dale Carnegie</span></li>
<ul></ul>
<ul></ul>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Models: Attract Women Through Honesty</i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, by Mark Manson</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Calling in the One: 7 Ways to Attract the Love of Your Life</i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, by Katharine Woodward Thomas</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire</i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, by David Deida.</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path, </i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">by Charlotte Kasl</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Truth in Dating: Finding Love By Getting Real, </i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">by Susan M. Cambell</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Art of Mingling: Proven Techniques for Mastering Any Room</i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, by Jeanne Martinet.</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide for Building Better Connections with Family, Friends, and Lovers</i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, by John M. Gottman and Joan DeClaire</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 33.8181800842285px;"><i>It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy, </i></span><span style="line-height: 33.8181800842285px;">by Amiira Ruotula-Behrendt</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 33.8181800842285px;"><i>Women that Run with Wolves, </i>by Clarissa Pinkola Estés</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 33.8181800842285px;"><i>Women Who Love Too Much</i>, by Robin Norwood</span></span></li>
</ul>
</div>
</div>
</div>
Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-87196036093925188072013-10-18T13:28:00.003-07:002014-02-18T13:07:01.327-08:00Chronically Single? 4 Reasons You Haven’t Found Lasting Love (Yet)<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ellie arrives in my office for her first session. She‘s visibly nervous. As we sit and talk, she places her eyes
intently on her feet, breaking away periodically to catch my eyes and smile
shyly. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“What prompted you to come in for dating help, Ellie?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Well, I guess I started thinking about it on my 35<sup>th</sup>
birthday.” Seeing 40
looming in the not-too-distant future,<b> Ellie'd become terrified that her
long-standing singleness might be terminal.
</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I haven’t had many relationships. I’m not really sure why. I’m
pretty shy, <b>but I would have thought I’d have more experience by now.”</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As a therapist who specializes in dating, I’ve heard Ellie’s
tune countless times: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Little to no dating in middle and high school.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Low confidence.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Few if any long-term relationships.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">First dates that never turn into second dates.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Resentment, confusion, and hopelessness</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">A deep longing for love and no clue about how to
find it.</span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I assure Ellie that I have some ideas. <b>I’ve seen clients go from zero relationship
experience to happy, committed relationships, including lost virginities and
found marital bliss.</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now for the big question:<b> “If you had to guess, Ellie, what
stops you from finding love?”</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Umm…I’m not sure, really.
Maybe I just don’t know how to have a conversation?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">1.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="font-size: 20.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 18.0pt;"> </span></b><b><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">You Lack Dating Skills<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ellie continues, “I mean, I totally draw a blank when I’m
talking to someone attractive. I hate
small talk, so dates are hard for me.
Maybe I need to learn some conversations skills?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I reassure Ellie that <b>many singles feel lost when it comes
to dating.</b> Some of us grew up with
parents who were so busy or unskilled themselves that they couldn’t give us the
guidance we needed to succeed romantically.
And Hollywood/high school/peers certainly didn’t provide much in the way
of realistic, concrete guidance or compassionate support.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ellie and I begin our work by going over some basic dating
skills. We role-play a date. I offer feedback to Ellie on <a href="http://jessicaengle.blogspot.com/2011/03/how-power-postures-increase-self.html" target="_blank">body language</a>,
flirtation, and <a href="http://jessicaengle.blogspot.com/2013/06/dating-conversation-skills.html" target="_blank">conversation skills</a>. I
coach her on how move from small talk to intimate conversation, from mind-numbing
social scripts --“where do you work?” – to <b>an improvisation of words and
embodiment that creates electric <a href="http://jessicaengle.blogspot.com/2011/04/how-emotional-intelligence-can-get-you.html" target="_blank">emotional connection.</a></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“This is good,” says Ellie, a bit more energized now, “but
it’s much easier to talk with you here than it is to talk to an attractive
person in real life. <b> I totally freeze up
and my mind goes blank.</b> I’ll probably
forget everything you’re telling me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ah, well that’s another issue entirely. And a very common one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">2.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">You Have Dating Anxiety<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I talk to Ellie about <a href="http://jessicaengle.blogspot.com/2011/08/do-you-feel-awkward-in-social.html" target="_blank">Social Anxiety Disorder</a> (SAD), which is
the <b>crippling fear of being humiliated, embarrassed, or rejected. </b> According to the Anxiety and Depression
Association of America, SAD affects 15 million Americans or 6.8% of the
population. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You don’t have to be diagnosed with SAD to experience social
anxiety – it’s a common human experience.
<b>We’re not only wired to seek relationships, we’re also sensitive to
being cast out of the pack.</b> And who
doesn’t have a memory of being rejected or humiliated?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Dating anxiety is a subset of social anxiety. </b> It can make you:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l3 level1 lfo4; text-indent: -.25in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Draw a blank and get unusually quiet</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Become overly talkative and have racing thoughts</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Avoid dating or approaching love interests
entirely</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Tremble, sweat, or blush</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Feel overwhelmed with fear prior to dates</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Ruminate and obsess after dates</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Stop yourself from making a move for fear of
offending or being rejected</span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I explain to Ellie that past experiences can prompt our
brain to categorize dating as a life-or-death matter. This isn’t conscious, of course. But it sure is effective. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>With dating anxiety, an attractive wo/man walks in the room
and our animal brain thinks a tiger’s barreling towards us, claws drawn.</b> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We freeze. We
flee. We even fight (sometimes with
others but often with ourselves via self-criticism).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ellie and I discuss ways to overcome dating anxiety:
mindfulness, cognitive-behavioral therapy, exposure therapy and – a combination
of all the above and my favorite– <a href="http://jessicaengle.com/drama_therapy.htm" target="_blank">drama therapy</a>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I emphasize to Ellie that <b>one of the best ways to overcome
dating anxiety is to do the things that scare you, gradually, intentionally,
and with support. </b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can see Ellie’s anxiety start to rise again. I feel a
“yeah, but…” coming. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anxiety uses all kinds of excuses and arguments to convince
us that we can’t actually find love. And
for a good reason. Remember that lunging
tiger? <b>Anxiety’s commited to keeping us
safe. </b> Problem is, that attractive
barista at the café isn’t actually a threat to your life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“But it seems like it’s really hard to meet single people. I
don’t like bars – they’re too loud and I don’t like to drink. And online dating doesn’t seem to get me
anywhere.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">3.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">You’re Drawing from a Tiny Dating Pool<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Many
singles get fixated on one dating source, typically online dating.<b> </b>They spend hours creating and looking at
profiles, sending messages, and riding the Will-S/he-Message-Me-Back Rollercoaster.
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>By
the time they get to an actual date, they’ve thoroughly worn themselves
out.</b> Add some dating anxiety and
suddenly every date is high stakes. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“This
could be the one…oh, God, I hope this is the one so I don’t have to go through
all that again!” An awkward coffee later and no second date on the horizon, they
conclude that finding love’s impossible.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the face of loneliness
and discouragement, it’s easy to conclude that “all the good ones are taken.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Or “I’m
just not attractive/confident/interesting enough.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Or “online
dating doesn’t work, especially for me.”<b><o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Maybe. Or maybe you’ve got to enlarge your dating
pool.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dating’s a number’s
game. You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs
to find a prince/ss. <o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If
online dating’s the only stream feeding your pool of potential mates, chances
are you won’t have as many frogs needed for that final, magical kiss.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I explain
this to Ellie and encourage her to start seeing every situation that involves
people – church, the grocery store, even BART -- as an opportunity to meet her
mate. <b><a href="http://jessicaengle.blogspot.com/2011/06/where-to-meet-women.html" target="_blank">Singles are everywhere.</a></b><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We
also talk about getting to activities that singles tend to frequent, such as singles
events, classes, and volunteer opportunities.
I recommend Ellie check out Meetup.com, Craigslist, and local event
listings to learn about what’s happening in her area.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
can feel another doubt bubbling up.
Ellie’s body seems to wilt a bit and her eyes cast downward again.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Okay,
so I can meet more people. But I don’t
know if I trust myself. I always seem to
date jerks who disappear after we have sex or when I start talking about taking
things to the next level.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">4.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="font-size: 20.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 18.0pt;"> </span></b><b><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">You Like & Attract Commitment-Phobes<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ellie
describes a typical and painful dating pattern:<b> the <a href="http://jessicaengle.blogspot.com/2011/04/intimacy-tug-of-war-how-to-stop-this-1.html" target="_blank">Anxious-Avoidant Dance</a>.</b> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
dance goes like this: you’re magnetized to someone and fall head over heels. Things seem to go really well for the first
date, week, month and even year. And
then disaster strikes.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ellie’s
most recent round of this dance was with Sal, a beautiful and outspoken coworker. Upon meeting, <b>Ellie instantly felt that Sal
was “the One.”</b><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ellie
was on cloud nine when Sal asked her out.
<b>But after a few hot and deep evenings, Sal turned cold,</b> stopped
returning Ellie’s texts and calls, and avoided her at work.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ellie
panicked. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She
left text, voice, and Facebook messages.
She spent hours obsessing about what she did wrong. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When
Sal ignored all of Ellie’s attempts to connect and eventually began dating a
different coworker, Ellie went into hyper-self-castigation mode --<b> “I shouldn’t
have been so needy. I should have just
backed off.”</b><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
Anxious-Avoidant Dance is set to the music of insecure attachment, a maladaptive
way of relating in intimate relationships.
There are two common expressions of insecure attachment – anxious attachment
and avoidant attachment. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anxiously
attached people, like Ellie, fear abandonment on a conscious level and closeness
on an unconscious level. Vice versa for avoidantly attached (a.k.a. “commitment
phobic” or “emotionally unavailable”) people like Sal. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Avoidantly
and anxiously attached people tend to be attracted to one another. </b> Perhaps because they feel familiar to one
another. They confuse fear for love and immediate
infatuation for long-term compatibility.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Heller
and Levine talk about this Anxious-Avoidant Trap in their book <i><a href="http://www.attachedthebook.com/" target="_blank">Attached: The New Science of AdultAttachment and How It Can Help You Find—And Keep—Love</a></i>, which I heartily
recommend to Ellie.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As
we continue to discuss attachment, Ellie’s eyes sparkle and her gaze steadies. “I can’t believe there’s something that
explains what I’ve been going through!” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
Anxious-Avoidant Dance can be stopped with some education, self-understanding,
and new behaviors. I explain to Ellie
that through our work, she can: <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo5; text-indent: -.25in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><a href="http://jessicaengle.blogspot.com/2012/06/is-therapy-effective.html" target="_blank">Explore the roots of her insecure attachment</a>, e.g. the
difficulties she experienced growing up with a distant, critical mother.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Develop a secure attachment relationship with me, giving her
first-hand experience and a model with which to compare other relationships.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Learn how to detect whether a love interest is avoidantly
attached.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Identify anxious attachment behaviors and begin developing
secure behaviors, e.g. effective communication and self-soothing.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Make conscious her own hidden relationship ambivalence, which
prompts her to unconsciously choose partners who won’t stick around.</span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ellie’s
body relaxes. She smiles, still shyly,
but with a new softness in her eyes. “Thank
you. I’m so happy there might be
something I can do. I don’t want to be
alone anymore.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>And
you don’t have to be.<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Join <a href="http://www.jessicaengle.com/" target="_blank">Jessica Engle</a>, psychotherapist, drama therapist, and dating expert for <a href="http://jessicaengle.com/groups_and_workshops.htm" target="_blank">an upcoming workshop</a> or <a href="http://jessicaengle.com/services.htm" target="_blank">individual therapy</a> – contact her at <a href="mailto:jessicaengle@jessicaengle.com">jessicaengle@jessicaengle.com</a>
or 408-622-1000.</span></i></span></div>
Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-73571940613299513142013-06-21T20:54:00.001-07:002014-02-18T12:57:03.397-08:00Dating Conversation Skills<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I'm frequently asked, “How can I stop myself from </span><b style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">freezing</b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> up, drawing a </span><b style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">blank</b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">, or just plain </span><b style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">running out of things to say</b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> when
talking to an attractive wo/man?”</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Others
find they <b>blurt</b> things out and can’t
stop talking when they’re <b>anxious</b>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It can
be very helpful to have a concrete list of “do’s and don’ts’” to fall back on
when you go blank or can’t stop talking. Here are a couple do's and don'ts lists that I compiled with fabulous fellow relationship coach/therapist, <a href="http://www.sfrelationshipcoaching.com/" target="_blank">Jeremi McManus</a>: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div align="center">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="MsoTableGrid" style="border-collapse: collapse; border: none; margin-left: -8.1pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; width: 672px;">
<tbody>
<tr>
<td style="border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 238.5pt;" valign="top" width="318"><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> Do<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</td>
<td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 265.5pt;" valign="top" width="354"><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> Don’t<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 238.5pt;" valign="top" width="318"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> Ask questions
about:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> ● Favorites<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> ● Passions<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> ● Experiences<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> ● Important people<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 265.5pt;" valign="top" width="354"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Bring up loaded
topics<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">● Politics<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">● Religion<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">● Sex<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">● Body image<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">● Past relationships<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">● Trauma<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 238.5pt;" valign="top" width="318"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Talk about common
interests and </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">emotions.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 265.5pt;" valign="top" width="354"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Focus solely on
work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 238.5pt;" valign="top" width="318"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Focus on things
you’re grateful for, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> adding</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">a dash of what you struggle with.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 265.5pt;" valign="top" width="354"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Focus on what irks
you (complaints), adding a </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">dash of what’s going well in your life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 238.5pt;" valign="top" width="318"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Observe things about him/her that you </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> find</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">attractive, interesting, or admirable.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 265.5pt;" valign="top" width="354"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Compliment him/her incessantly, particularly </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> on </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">things s/he can’t control (e.g. his/her body).</span></div>
</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">As I
mentioned above, <b>what</b> you talk about
is important, but not as<i> </i>important as
<b>how</b> you say it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt 0.75in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Remember
– people don’t remember what we <b>say</b>,
they remember how we make them <b>feel</b>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Do you help
your potential mate feel <b>understood</b>
and <b>appreciated</b>? Here are a few ways to do just that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt 0.75in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="MsoTableGrid" style="border-collapse: collapse; border: none; margin-left: -8.1pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; width: 672px;">
<tbody>
<tr>
<td style="border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 238.5pt;" valign="top" width="318"><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> Do<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</td>
<td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 265.5pt;" valign="top" width="354"><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> Don’t<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 238.5pt;" valign="top" width="318"><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Balance how much you are listening and </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">talking.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 265.5pt;" valign="top" width="354"><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Talk incessantly or clam up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 238.5pt;" valign="top" width="318"><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Be playful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 265.5pt;" valign="top" width="354"><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Interview her, i.e. ask all the standard </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">“getting</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"> to </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">know you” questions, </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">machine-</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">gun style.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 238.5pt;" valign="top" width="318"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Be curious.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 265.5pt;" valign="top" width="354"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Come with an
attitude of “what can you give to </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">me?”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 238.5pt;" valign="top" width="318"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Flirt.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 265.5pt;" valign="top" width="354"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Get sexual too
quickly.</span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 238.5pt;" valign="top" width="318"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Make observations
about him or her.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 265.5pt;" valign="top" width="354"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Pull out your phone.</span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 238.5pt;" valign="top" width="318"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Be friendly to
those around you.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 265.5pt;" valign="top" width="354"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Complain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="height: 48.1pt; mso-yfti-irow: 7; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes;">
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; height: 48.1pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 238.5pt;" valign="top" width="318"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Self-disclose</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">●</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Share a bit more about yourself than </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> you </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">would with a
new colleague or </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> friend.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">●</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Match your partner’s level of self-</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> disclosure.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt 27.75pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-indent: 0px;"> ●</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-indent: 0px;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">If it feels as though the conversation’s </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">stalled on the
surface, lead the way </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">by</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> disclosing something personal.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt 27.75pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-indent: 0px;"> ●</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-indent: 0px;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Listen, mirror, and validate when your </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">date shares
something personal.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: 48.1pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 265.5pt;" valign="top" width="354"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Stay on the surface
or go too deep, too quickly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br />
</span></b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">You
may be asking, “How can I remember to do these things, particularly when I’m
anxious on a date?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Here
are some tips for getting and staying <b>in
the zone</b> prior to a date.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt 0.25in; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">1.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-weight: normal;"> </span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Relax and Revitalize<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">If
you tend toward fidgeting and talking too much on dates, do something relaxing
right before going out. Take a bath,
take a nap, meditate, get a massage -- anything that will help your body find
some calm.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">If,
on the other hand, you tend to draw a blank on dates, do something beforehand that
stimulates and energizes you – go for a run, read an interesting book, take
time for an engaging hobby -- anything that ignites your natural vitality.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt 0.25in; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">2.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-weight: normal;"> </span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Strut<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Flirtation
and confidence require high self-esteem. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Do
what you can prior to a date to feel sexy and self-assured – wear your sexy jeans,
give yourself a pep talk, playfully strut in front of the mirror, etc.</span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt 0.25in; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">3.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-weight: normal;"> </span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Get Curious<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Ask
yourself what genuinely makes you curious about your date. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Without
editing, write those questions down, even the ones that feel a bit edgy. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Commit
your questions to memory. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Don’t
be afraid to ask some of your “edgier” questions. I find the questions we fear will be
obtrusive often end up electrifying the connection between two people. Of course, be judicious – remember the loaded
topics from our “don’t” list.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt 0.25in; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">4.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-weight: normal;"> </span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Practice! <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Many
of these skills require repeated practice to master. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Don’t
be afraid to ask a friend to practice these skills with you. The real root of drawing a blank or talking
incessantly is anxiety, which often comes from lack of experience. </span></li>
</ul>
<div style="text-indent: 0px;">
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-14370715204308205002013-06-21T20:32:00.003-07:002013-06-21T20:32:50.193-07:00Passionate Intimacy: A Drama Therapy Workshop for Couples<h1 style="background-color: white; color: #2b2b2c; font-family: arial; font-size: 28px; text-align: center;">
<img alt="" height="194" src="http://www.livingartscenter.org/cl_uploads/site_images/heart.jpg" style="font-size: 12px;" width="259" /></h1>
<h3 style="background-color: white; color: #2b2b2c; font-family: arial; margin: 0px 0px 10px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: x-small; font-weight: normal;">*No theater experience required. Shy people welcome. LGBTQ couples encouraged to join.*</span></i></h3>
<ul style="background-color: white; color: #2b2b2c; font-family: arial; font-size: 12px; margin: 10px; padding: 5px;">
<li><span style="font-size: 14px; text-align: center;">Are you dissatisfied with your sex life?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 14px;">Are you and your partner in an intimacy rut?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 14px;">Has your relationship lost its spark?</span></li>
</ul>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #2b2b2c; font-family: arial; font-size: 12px;">
<span style="font-size: 14px;">If you feel something’s missing in your sex life, you’re not alone. 43% of women and 31% of men struggle with a significant sexual problem. Most if not all couples experience a sexual problem at one point or another. </span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #2b2b2c; font-family: arial; font-size: 12px;">
<span style="font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #2b2b2c; font-family: arial; font-size: 12px;">
<span style="font-size: 14px;">In this workshop, we’ll explore the common sources of sexual disconnection, such as:</span></div>
<ul style="background-color: white; color: #2b2b2c; font-family: arial; font-size: 12px; margin: 10px; padding: 5px;">
<li><span style="font-size: 14px;">Difficulties with libido</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 14px;">Infertility, pregnancy and birth</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 14px;">Affairs</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 14px;">Erectile Dysfunction</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 14px;">Sex addiction</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 14px;">Premature ejaculation</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 14px;">Aging</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 14px;">Painful sex</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 14px;">Sexual boredom in long-term relationships</span></li>
</ul>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #2b2b2c; font-family: arial; font-size: 12px;">
<span style="font-size: 14px;">Through group discussions and educational activities, we’ll discuss ways to address sexual problems. We’ll use gentle drama therapy exercises to cultivate safety and creativity, which can help you and your partner revitalize sexual intimacy.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #2b2b2c; font-family: arial; font-size: 12px;">
<br /></div>
<h3 style="background-color: white; color: #2b2b2c; font-family: arial; margin: 0px 0px 10px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: x-small; font-weight: normal;">*No theater experience required. Shy people welcome. LGBTQ couples encouraged to join.*</span></i></h3>
<h3 style="background-color: white; color: #2b2b2c; font-family: arial; margin: 0px 0px 10px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Sunday, June 30th<br />11:00 a.m - 1:00 pm</span></h3>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #2b2b2c; font-family: arial; text-align: center;">
<b> Living Arts Counseling Center<br />1265 65th Street (between Hollis & San Pablo Ave)<br />Emeryville, CA 94608</b></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #2b2b2c; font-family: arial; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #2b2b2c; font-family: arial; text-align: center;">
<b>$50 per couple</b></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #2b2b2c; font-family: arial; text-align: center;">
<em style="background-color: transparent;"><strong><span style="color: red;">FREE 50-minute consultation for all participants!</span></strong></em></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #2b2b2c; font-family: arial; text-align: left;">
<em style="background-color: transparent; text-align: center;"><strong><br /></strong></em></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #2b2b2c; font-family: arial; text-align: center;">
<b>RSVP to jessicaengle@livingartscenter.org or 510-595-5500, ext. 36</b></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #2b2b2c; font-family: arial; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #2b2b2c; font-family: arial; font-size: 12px;">
<strong style="font-size: 14px;">Jessica Engle</strong><span style="font-size: 14px;">, MA, MFT Intern (#70116) helps single men, socially anxious adults, and couples build satisfying relationships and happier lives. She is a graduate of the California Institute of Integral Studies, where she received an M.A. in Counseling Psychology with an emphasis in Drama Therapy. Jessica is supervised by Warren Randy McCommons, MFT #45485, RDT/BCT. www.jessicaengle.com</span></div>
Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-57699889403904338212013-01-01T16:52:00.002-08:002013-06-21T20:28:40.070-07:00How to Achieve Your Goals in 2013<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ah, New Year's. A time of review and goal-setting. <b>A time of gearing up for a "this-time-for-real" flurry of self-improvement activities.</b> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Gym memberships. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Trips to the Container Store. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And all those resolutions to fix, trim, expand, fill, empty, connect, quit, start, give up, etc.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEDkDljNJU2BJjE7VvEPScqFLFq7MWB3gSOxoDP9f5JZ7ytcnumTP2gz2DIsCD4YEX2gxPpvHkwIH9GR7r_3uWvXSReh0Zp4M4UCT5aqI2O5DGavgLU_jn2sWJbQEzjhLm137fIKi8NWUr/s1600/2013+ahead.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEDkDljNJU2BJjE7VvEPScqFLFq7MWB3gSOxoDP9f5JZ7ytcnumTP2gz2DIsCD4YEX2gxPpvHkwIH9GR7r_3uWvXSReh0Zp4M4UCT5aqI2O5DGavgLU_jn2sWJbQEzjhLm137fIKi8NWUr/s400/2013+ahead.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ah, February. A time of business-as-usual. A time of sliding back. Of guilt and self-admonishment with each drive past the gym, each night watching "Big Bang Theory" instead of getting out, each minute spent on Facebook rather than on that self-help book.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>What is it that stops us from accomplishing our goals? </b>How can we be so resolute at the beginning of the year and so disinterested a month, a week, even a day later?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Many obstacles get in the way of our goals. We have many names for this all-too-human pattern of resolution and regression: force of habit, fear of change, lack of willpower, lack of money, lack of time, </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">laziness, etc.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here are three thoughts to ponder this year as you contemplate resolutions for 2013:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">1. </span><b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Forgive yourself in advance.</span> </b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>You will fail at reaching your goal -- I guarantee it.</b> You are human. Your fabulous power of imagination will always fall short of your dream's actualization. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This doesn't mean you're destined for tragic mediocrity. It merely means that the luscious forest you conjure up in your mind's eye and excitedly draw may end up looking like a collection of skinny, flowering bushes. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The question is -- can you appreciate those bushes for what they are? For their sweetness and specific beauty? </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Or will Perfectionism convince you that you've failed?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Perhaps you've resolved to get out of the house three times a week in 2013. And perhaps this turns into one social outing a week where you fight with the desire to become part of the wallpaper. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Can you appreciate yourself for your bravery? Remind yourself that once a week </span><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">still helps? </i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>And can you forgive yourself for needing to go a bit slower than your hopeful imagination can grasp? </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Forgive yourself in advance for your human limitations and let go of the need to fulfill your intention with exactitude. In letting go of Perfectionism, you'll give yourself a better chance of continuing that once a week outing rather than staying at home on the premise that "I'm a failure and I shouldn't even try."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">2. <b>Get support.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's so easy to try to do it alone. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We're taught to keep our problems under wraps. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Smile. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Get 'er done. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But we're animals. We evolved from a time and place when social isolation meant death. And though we're no longer on the savannah, we're still wired to need others. Our happiness, health, and motivation skyrocket when we feel loved and supported.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Use this to your advantage. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Have a friend call you every morning to make sure you did your deep breathing for the day. Find an activity buddy. Tell your therapist you'd like to go over your goal action plan regularly. Reporting to another person will give you accountability and emotional support as you reach for your goals.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The key here is to be specific and intentional about getting support -- schedule a time, make it regular, and ask for very specific things from your support figure. <b>Like goals, make your support system SMART -- specific, meaningful, attainable, relevant, and timely.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">3. <b>Attend to anxiety.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Remember that list of explanations for not reaching our goals? Force of habit, fear of change, lack of willpower, etc.? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have a theory.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>What if all those excuses are actually covering up the real culprit -- Anxiety? </b> And what if we chose to see Anxiety as the problem rather than beating ourselves up when we fall short of our goals?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This could be revolutionary. After all, Anxiety is treatable. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here are a few ways you can beat Anxiety:</span><br />
<br />
<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Get familiar with anxiety reduction tools.</b> Here's a great <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/200908/top-10-simple-tools-reduce-anxiety" target="_blank">article </a></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/200908/top-10-simple-tools-reduce-anxiety" target="_blank">from Psychology Today</a>. Read up and practice what you can on your own.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Face your fears in a supportive community.</b> I recommend joining a therapy group or special-interest group such as Toastmaters. I run a number of <a href="http://www.meetup.com/" target="_blank">Meetup.com</a> groups focused on self-improvement, including <a href="http://www.meetup.com/Theater-for-Self-Improvement-Oakland/" target="_blank">Theater for Self-Improvement</a>, <a href="http://www.meetup.com/Social-Anxiety-Improvement/" target="_blank">Social Anxiety Improvement</a>, <a href="http://www.meetup.com/Personal-Growth-for-Couples/" target="_blank">Personal Growth for Couples</a>, and <a href="http://www.meetup.com/Dating-Skills-for-Single-Men-Oakland/" target="_blank">Dating Skills for Single Men</a>.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Take a look at<a href="http://jessicaengle.blogspot.com/2011/06/get-in-flow-how-to-motivate-your-teen.html" target="_blank"> this post</a></b> I wrote a while back about motivating teenagers. Even if you aren't a parent, it can help you understand how to support your inner teenager.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Work with an individual therapist</b> to uncover and resolve the roots of your anxiety.</span></li>
</ol>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Remember: if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. </b> Get support, forgive failure in advance, and attend to anxiety. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You <i>can </i>achieve your goals. <b>And even if you fall short, remember to there's beauty in skinny, flowering bushes.</b></span>Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-89005447640108898192013-01-01T14:47:00.000-08:002013-01-01T14:47:55.062-08:00Living Arts Counseling Center Moving to Emeryville Starting January 19th!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3ySFvO2-kgBbdZYQYDw88Wz1aoTy9Ils69jRlguPjqb5peRa2Qy53sAdPcZUQOxvSmdFGJkXs3tGPbPfoLL8vNbwLLA0mgFm0nGFsIm-X6V1nITtKPurdVAQ7k2oErQZqq0KQPtszSyT7/s1600/We%2527re+moving.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3ySFvO2-kgBbdZYQYDw88Wz1aoTy9Ils69jRlguPjqb5peRa2Qy53sAdPcZUQOxvSmdFGJkXs3tGPbPfoLL8vNbwLLA0mgFm0nGFsIm-X6V1nITtKPurdVAQ7k2oErQZqq0KQPtszSyT7/s1600/We%2527re+moving.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-43495454868304695502012-12-31T11:23:00.001-08:002013-01-13T10:24:15.136-08:00New Here in the New Year<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbEeswsQPnpSKpxPDFt15-99s5MPD9yyo2KSk76XiN7VAHcpUMdSooRyu14DqZA89UOQ6JR3y0Awa6XoS0fVOHlrkTBOGYs9RaCJ_X9Szy2lHYoSgNI0wQTDkY2-5eVx6FL96oWGqHDb3H/s1600/twilight.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbEeswsQPnpSKpxPDFt15-99s5MPD9yyo2KSk76XiN7VAHcpUMdSooRyu14DqZA89UOQ6JR3y0Awa6XoS0fVOHlrkTBOGYs9RaCJ_X9Szy2lHYoSgNI0wQTDkY2-5eVx6FL96oWGqHDb3H/s320/twilight.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's the New Year. Morning has broken, we survived the Mayan apocalypse, and a fresh 365-day canvas stretches out before us.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I arrive at the end of 2012 with a pocketful of playful and profound memories, connections to clients old and new, and an appreciation for the tenacity of the human spirit. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Before moving into 2013, I want to thank you for being part of my path. It's an honor to be your supporter as you battle and overcome </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">depression, social anxiety, and relationship issues. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I saw great change this year, through both smiles and sadness.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">In 2013</span></b>:</span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I look forward to working increasingly with couples, particularly those dealing with <a href="http://jessicaengle.blogspot.com/2012/12/sexual-dysfunction-youre-not-alone.html" target="_blank">sexual issues</a> such as differences in sexual drive, infidelity, and porn addiction.</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I return to Alta Bates outpatient program to help teenagers recover from issues such as eating disorders, depression, and anxiety. I come armed with my favorite weapon -- <a href="http://jessicaengle.com/drama%20therapy" target="_blank">drama therapy</a>.</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I come ever closer to becoming a fully-licensed Marriage and Family Therapist by the state of California. </span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> I will continue to pursue training as a <a href="http://www.developmentaltransformations.com/" target="_blank">Developmental Transformations</a> practitioner through DvT Institute West and a therapist specializing in sexual issues through the <a href="http://www.aasect.org/" target="_blank">American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists</a>.</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I will miss seeing my monthly workshop clients as I transition to holding fewer workshops in order to focus on other areas of my practice.</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The <a href="http://jessicaengle.blogspot.com/2013/01/living-arts-counseling-center-moving-to.html" target="_blank">Living Arts Counseling Center moves to Emeryville</a>. I will be transferring my multi-location practice into one comfortable, spacious, sound-tolerant location. Here's to the paradoxical simultaneity of expansion and consolidation.</span></li>
</ul>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Where have you been this year? Standing at the precipice of 2013, what do you see in your future? </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wishing you a warm turn of the New Year, clarity of thought and intention, and a deep inner knowing of your lovability and worth.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJdrysLiaPQLF9C9VTdREHNvPNlOkpT-IhTabDAwU69zrC03DQHuXLsi84din4bj218QGbNFGaA9p1BtK-3bFuGWgUB1nqQwgUQePGRTkDpZ5w7eeg-iifSb7o3nm5fDn0o-qJn4E62VWb/s1600/Signature.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="141" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJdrysLiaPQLF9C9VTdREHNvPNlOkpT-IhTabDAwU69zrC03DQHuXLsi84din4bj218QGbNFGaA9p1BtK-3bFuGWgUB1nqQwgUQePGRTkDpZ5w7eeg-iifSb7o3nm5fDn0o-qJn4E62VWb/s200/Signature.jpg" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQqtKddhX8lA8RlCaVwUMQTBWQrAb5vxxb-RZfpUED7my6JE1CryiRQcjzQ1JB8vY_jCibJ31-iCljCeRJeqOCKW8YFiJazbvUJHKkOw4o8iodDB-8iH1ZPMGFML1aH5JOkoDmKqHv63xb/s1600/KLP_0028.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQqtKddhX8lA8RlCaVwUMQTBWQrAb5vxxb-RZfpUED7my6JE1CryiRQcjzQ1JB8vY_jCibJ31-iCljCeRJeqOCKW8YFiJazbvUJHKkOw4o8iodDB-8iH1ZPMGFML1aH5JOkoDmKqHv63xb/s400/KLP_0028.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-23858998748418830412012-12-31T10:40:00.003-08:002013-06-21T20:27:49.181-07:00Sexual Dysfunction: You’re Not Alone<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<ul><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOcn2amJHmKaHtIEk0wDFPUzPdVBoyzAmjh69cLOicKP1kgdLCgezXkZLFr1fMTkk1rFUOTRL8hemSlEUlsn-p3G-G3DqJ4L7U8pjglXC_DM0fqOe64B3d6hvKp8ntN3L9Iht0YxKYID1H/s1600/Alone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="313" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOcn2amJHmKaHtIEk0wDFPUzPdVBoyzAmjh69cLOicKP1kgdLCgezXkZLFr1fMTkk1rFUOTRL8hemSlEUlsn-p3G-G3DqJ4L7U8pjglXC_DM0fqOe64B3d6hvKp8ntN3L9Iht0YxKYID1H/s320/Alone.jpg" width="320" /></a>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1 in 3 women and 1 in 5 men have<b> little or no sex
drive</b>, totaling 25% of the population.</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">20% of women 5-20% of men face sexual arousal issues. This includes <b>lack
of lubrication</b> and <b>erectile dysfunction.</b></span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1 in 4 women have an orgasmic disorder (e.g. <b>inability to orgasm</b>),
while about 1 in 3 men experiences <b>premature ejaculation</b>.</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">An estimated 3-6% of Americans struggle with <b>sexual addiction</b>, including
compulsive masturbation, porn use, and cybersex.</span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>It's easy to feel ashamed if you have a sexual problem.</b> The media inundates men and
woman alike with conflicting messages about what sexuality should be – fast/long,
hard/soft, multiple partners/save your virtue, multi-orgasmic/earth shaking,
etc. Other forces
encourage us not to discuss sex at all, including abstinence-only sex
education and avoidance of the topic in many families and religious/cultural groups.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Considering all this, it’s no surprise that many feel alone and ashamed when sexual problems arise. Yet, <b>43% of women and 31% of men struggle with a significant sexual problem </b>abd most if not all couples face a
sexual issue at one point or another.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, <b>if you’re
struggling with a sexual issue, know that what you're experiencing is normal</b>. Sex is a complex interaction of personal
expression and interpersonal connection, ripe for both pleasure and difficulty. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><b><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What Causes
Sexual Problems?<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sexual difficulties may arise from:</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="apple-converted-space" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Fear of poor sexual performance</span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="apple-converted-space" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Psychological issues</span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="apple-converted-space" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Trauma, sexual or otherwise</span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; text-indent: -0.25in;">Pent up resentment and other relationship issues</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="apple-converted-space" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white;">Stress</span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="apple-converted-space" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Lack of time</span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="apple-converted-space" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Aging</span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="apple-converted-space" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Physical issues, e.g. chronic health
conditions</span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="apple-converted-space" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Medication side effects, including
antidepressants</span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="apple-converted-space" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white;">Smoking, poor diet, lack of exercise, and
other lifestyle choices</span></span></span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It’s important to look at all potential causes when identifying
the cause of a sexual issue, as some issues are multi-faceted (while others are quite
simple and straightforward). A great way
to do this is by speaking with a professional who specializes in sexuality such as a primary care doctor or therapist who specializes in sexuality.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><b><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Therapy for Sexual Dysfunction<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">While they can feel insurmountable, <b>you can manage
and even overcome sexual problems </b>by unraveling their psychological roots. A therapist who specializes in sexuality can help you do just that. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Both couples and individuals can seek out therapy for sexual issues such as:</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Cheating, including online affairs</span></span></li>
<li><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Erectile Dysfunction (E.D.)</span></span></li>
<li><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Best sex practices</span></span></li>
<li><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Sex drive differences in a couple</span></span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Low or high libido</span></li>
<li><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Premature Ejaculation</span></span></li>
<li><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Difficulty orgasming</span></span></li>
<li><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Sex and infertility, pregnancy, and birth</span></span></li>
<li><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Sex and aging</span></span></li>
<li><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Sex addiction, including addiction to porn</span></span></li>
<li><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Sexual assault, violence, and child abuse</span></span></li>
<li><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Psychoeducation for better sex, e.g. info
on anatomy, sexual positions, etc.</span></span></li>
<li><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Vaginitis, vaginismus, and other issues that cause
vaginal pain during sex</span></span></li>
<li><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Transgender, sexual orientation, and other
queer identity exploration</span></span></li>
<li><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Polyamory, kink, and alternative sexuality
questions</span></span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Therapy for sexual problems may include a range of activities, from education about the mechanics of orgasm
to an in-depth exploration of your past sexual experiences. As a therapist specializing in sexuality, I offer </span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">advice, tips, and concrete tools that you and your partner can benefit from in the short term. I also help you understand and resolve the emotional roots of your sexual difficulties that can't be solved with quick tricks. </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you
would like to<b> learn more about how therapy can help you resolve your sexual problem and build a fulfilling sex life</b>,
please contact me at (510) 595-5500, ext. 36 or <a href="mailto:jessicaengle@livingartscenter.org">jessicaengle@livingartscenter.org</a>
for a <b>free 30-minute consultation.</b><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><b><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Resources</span></span></b></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">“Female Sexual Arousal Disorder (FSAD) Facts.” <a href="http://www.hystersisters.com/vb2/article_209459.htm">http://www.hystersisters.com/vb2/article_209459.htm</a></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Hatzimouratidis, K., et. al. (2010) “Guidelines on Male Sexual Dysfunction:
Erectile Dysfunction and Premature Ejaculation.” <a href="http://www.uroweb.org/fileadmin/tx_eauguidelines/2010/Trans/2010_Guidelines_on_Male_Sexual_Dysfunction.pdf">http://www.uroweb.org/fileadmin/tx_eauguidelines/2010/Trans/2010_Guidelines_on_Male_Sexual_Dysfunction.pdf</a></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Pappas, S. (2010).“Orgasm-Seeking Women Find Little Help From Science</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> “<a href="http://www.livescience.com/6755-orgasm-seeking-women-find-science.html">http://www.livescience.com/6755-orgasm-seeking-women-find-science.html</a></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Weiss, R. (2012). Who Is a Sex Addict?. Psych Central. Retrieved on
December 31, 2012, from <a href="http://psychcentral.com/lib/2012/who-is-a-sex-addict/">http://psychcentral.com/lib/2012/who-is-a-sex-addict/</a></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The Cleveland Clinic Foundation. (2012) “An Overview of Sexual Dysfunction”
http://my.clevelandclinic.org/disorders/sexual_dysfunction/hic_an_overview_of_sexual_dysfunction.aspx</span></li>
</ol>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><o:p></o:p></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-19864069314453368362012-10-12T13:27:00.001-07:002013-07-17T20:32:29.698-07:00Communication Skills for Couples: I-Statements <div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pop quiz -- how
do you feel as you read the following statements?</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">“You’re
always late.”</span></li>
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">“I
feel anxious when you show up late.”</span></li>
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">“You
never take me out anymore.”</span></li>
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">“When
you take me out, I feel connected to you. I’m sad we haven’t done that lately.”</span></li>
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">“You
jerk!”</span></li>
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">“I
feel really angry right now.”</span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I’m guessing you
felt tense and defensive as you read some of the statements and neutral,
relieved, or even relaxed as you read others.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Reader, meet
I-statements. I-statements, Reader. I think you two could do big things together.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">If you’re
looking to improve your communication with your partner, I highly recommend
adding I-statements --also known as I-messages – to your toolkit. I-statements encourage openness and ongoing
dialogue, while you-statements tend to incite anger and defensiveness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I-Statements
versus You-Statements<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Here’s a
handy dandy chart outlining the differences between I- and You-Statements:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="MsoTableGrid" style="border-collapse: collapse; border: none; text-align: justify;">
<tbody>
<tr>
<td colspan="2" style="border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 239.4pt;" valign="top" width="319"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">You-Statements<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</td>
<td colspan="2" style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 239.4pt;" valign="top" width="319"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I-Statements<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">May be/include:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Example:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">May be/include:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Example:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">General<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">“You didn’t clean up
like you promised you would! You upset me so much!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Specific <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">“I feel angry that the
trash hasn’t been taken out yet.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Blame<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">“You make me feel so unattractive!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Taking responsibility
for one’s feelings <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">“When you don’t
compliment me on my appearance, I feel insecure.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Focuses on the problem
without offering a solution<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">“You’re just not
understanding!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Identifies what one
wants/needs<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">“I’m feeling sad and could
use a hug.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">“Oughts” and “shoulds”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">“You really should
look for another job.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Focuses on the present
moment<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">“I’m noticing that I
feel anxious right now as I’m listening to you talk about work.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Labels<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">“You’re so selfish!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Labels one’s feelings
rather than another’s character<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">“I feel sad when you
choose to spend time with your friends on Friday nights.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Thoughts only<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">“You’re so forgetful. You must have ADHD or something.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Thoughts <i>and </i>feelings<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">“When you forget
things I’ve said in conversations, I feel hurt and forgotten.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">States an opinion as
though it’s a fact.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">“This is stupid. You don’t know what you’re doing at all. We should just give up.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Acknowledges others
may have different opinions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 119.7pt;" valign="top" width="160"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">“I notice I’m feeling frustrated
and want to give up. How are you
feeling?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A
Powerful I-Statement Formula<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Here’s a
great formula for expressing yourself using I-Statements:</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"> 1.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-weight: normal;"> </span></span></b><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">When
you___________,</span></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Start
with identifying the behavior that you would like to communicate about. Be as specific and concrete as possible. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><b>Example: </b>“When you don’t call me to let me know you’re going to be late for
dinner…”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">While
this statement includes the word “you,” we can avoid the pitfalls of you-statements
using specific, non-judgmental language.
This along with a calm, neutral tone of voice and body language can help
prevent defensiveness.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">2.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-weight: normal;"> </span></span></b><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I
feel___________.</span></b></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Name
the emotion that you feel when #1 happens.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Again,
be as specific as possible. Avoid vague
terms like “upset” and “bad” and opt for words that will allow your partner to
understand exactly what you’re feeling, e.g. sad, angry, afraid, exuberant
(side note – you can remember these four basic emotions using the acronym
SAFE. Most emotions are spin-offs and
combinations of SAFE). Check out a <a href="http://jessicaengle.blogspot.com/2011/04/feeling-chart.html" target="_blank">feeling chart</a> if you need help
naming your emotion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Note!
Beware of the disguised you-statement pitfall, which usually starts with “I
think that” or “I feel like.” For
example, “I think that you are trying to make me jealous on purpose” and “I
feel like you just don’t like my family” both start with "I" but focus on the other
person in a blaming, judgmental manner.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><b>Example:
</b>“When you don’t call me to let me know you’re going to be late for dinner, I
feel anxious and frustrated.”</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">3.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-weight: normal;"> </span></span></b><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I
imagine___________.</span></b></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Empathy
is one of the best ways to keep a difficult conversation flowing. With this statement, you’ll step into your
partner’s shoes and guess at the good reason s/he acts this way. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><b>Example:
</b>“When you don’t call me to let me know you’re going to be late for dinner, I
feel anxious and frustrated. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">I imagine you’re caught up in work, something you work hard at because you want to give us a good life.</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">”</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">4.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-weight: normal;"> </span></span></b><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I
need/want___________.</span></b></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Identify
what you want and need in this situation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><b>Example:</b>
“When you don’t call me to let me know you’re going to be late for dinner, I
feel anxious and frustrated. I imagine
you’re caught up in work, something you work hard at because you want to give us a
good life. I need reliability and consistency in our relationship.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">It
can be tempting to say “I need you to…,” but this is a disguised you-statement. If you struggle with identifying I-statement
needs, take a look at this <a href="http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory" target="_blank">NVC inventory of needs</a>.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">5.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-weight: normal;"> </span></span></b><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Would
you _________?</span></b></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Here
you can make a request of your partner. Remember,
specific and concrete is best. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><b>Example:</b>
“When you don’t call me to let me know you’re going to be late for dinner, I
feel anxious and frustrated. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">I imagine you’re caught up in work, something you work hard at because you want to give us a good life.</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> I need reliability and consistency in our relationship. Would you please call me at 5 p.m. each day
to let me know how much longer you’ll be?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Your
request can also focus on the present moment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><b>Example:</b> “Would you please hug me and, if you’re open to it, reassure me that you’ll
call if you’re late?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Using this
formula can help you communicate clearly and assertively with your partner without
sacrificing heart or instigating conflict. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Practice<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">As with
anything, this tool takes practice. I
encourage you to share this article with your partner and begin practicing with
one another. If your partner is
resistant or you need extra support, find a buddy or therapist to practice with, as this tool will help
you feel empowered, clear, and loving in the midst of conflict.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">My <a href="http://www.livingartscenter.org/Living-Arts-Counseling-Center/Event/Personal+Growth+for+Couples%3A+Monthly+Drama+Therapy+Workshops_169.htm" target="_blank">monthly couples workshops</a> are a</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> great place to practice I-statements. I’ll be
discussing this tool in more depth at this month's workshop, which takes place on </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">on October 16</span><sup style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">th:</sup><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 8.4pt; mso-line-height-alt: 14.15pt; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: #272727; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 26.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Personal Growth for
Couples</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #272727; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A Monthly Drama
Therapy* Workshop</span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 8.4pt; mso-line-height-alt: 14.15pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #272727; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #272727; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">This
Month's Topic: Communication Skills</span></i></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.15pt; margin-bottom: 8.4pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #272727; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">
<i>*No theater experience required. Shy and LGBTQ couples encouraged to join*</i></span><span style="color: #272727; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #272727; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A workshop for couples who want to revitalize their
relationship. Explore common problem areas for couples,such as:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #272727; font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 14.15pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="color: #272727; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 14.15pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Communication</span><br />
<span style="color: #272727; font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 14.15pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="color: #272727; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 14.15pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Money</span><br />
<span style="color: #272727; font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 14.15pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="color: #272727; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 14.15pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Sex</span><br />
<span style="color: #272727; font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 14.15pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="color: #272727; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 14.15pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Parenting</span><br />
<span style="color: #272727; font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 14.15pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">·</span><span style="color: #272727; font-size: 9px; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="color: #272727; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 14.15pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Addiction</span><br />
<span style="color: #272727; font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 14.15pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="color: #272727; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 14.15pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Life transitions</span><br />
<span style="color: #272727; font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 14.15pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">· </span><span style="color: #272727; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 14.15pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Depression, anxiety,
and other mental health issues</span><br />
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<span style="color: #272727; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Meet like-minded
couples, learn relationship skills, and resolve difficulties in your
partnership. Through role-playing, drama therapy exercises, and group
discussion, you will get a fresh perspective on your relationship and connect
with your partner in a new way. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #272727; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">7:00 - 9:00 pm</span></b><br />
<b style="line-height: 14.15pt;"><span style="color: #272727; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Second Tuesday of
Every Month</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #272727; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The East Bay Healing
Collective</span></b><br />
<b style="line-height: 14.15pt;"><span style="color: #272727; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">1840 Alcatraz Avenue,
Berkeley</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #272727; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Fee per couple: $30 in
advance, $45 at the door</span></b><br />
<b style="line-height: 14.15pt;"><span style="color: #272727; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><i>Space is limited - to hold your spot, send $15 via PayPal to info@livingartscenter.org</i></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #272727; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><a href="mailto:JessicaEngle@LivingArtsCenter.org"><span style="color: blue;">JessicaEngle@LivingArtsCenter.org</span></a>
~ (510) 595-5500, ext. 36 ~ <span style="color: blue;"><a href="http://www.jessicaengle.com/">www.JessicaEngle.com</a></span></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #272727; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #272727; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">References</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<ol>
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #272727;"><span style="line-height: 18.866666793823242px;">"Using I-Statements" </span></span><a href="http://www.communicationandconflict.com/i-statements.html">http://www.communicationandconflict.com/i-statements.html</a></span></li>
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"I Statements" <a href="http://www.humanpotentialcenter.org/Articles/IStatements.html">http://www.humanpotentialcenter.org/Articles/IStatements.html</a></span></li>
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"'I' Statements" <a href="http://www.wcmhar.org/Statements.htm">http://www.wcmhar.org/Statements.htm</a></span></li>
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"I Statements" <a href="http://parentingwisely.com/media/uploads/cms/pdf/I%20messages.pdf">http://parentingwisely.com/media/uploads/cms/pdf/I%20messages.pdf</a></span></li>
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"Learning to Say 'I' Instead of 'You'" <a href="http://www.girlshealth.gov/relationships/conflict/i_statements.cfm">http://www.girlshealth.gov/relationships/conflict/i_statements.cfm</a></span></li>
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"Needs Inventory" <a href="http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory">http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory</a></span></li>
</ol>
</div>
</div>
Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-49137574497854542392012-09-27T13:38:00.001-07:002013-06-21T20:26:06.417-07:00ADHD and Social Anxiety<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dr. Joel Fuhrman, renowned doctor of nutrition and advocate for increasing micronutrient intake to support both physical and mental health, recently published an article about </span><a href="http://www.drfuhrman.com/library/preventing_treating_ADHD.aspx" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" target="_blank">preventing attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in children</a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was stunned to read the following: "Between 2003 and 2007, there was a 22% increase in ADHD prevalence in the United States - today, about 9.5% of school-age children have ADHD."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>A 22% increase in only four years</i>. What could possibly be contributing to this increase? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Fuhrman identifies risk factors for children, many of which apply to adults, including poor nutrition, excessive television watching, and inadequate omega-3 intake. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But what about the psychological contributors to ADHD?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>A Deficit of Attention</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Many of my clients who have ADHD received a <i>deficit of attention</i> from their parents early in life. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They may have grown up in chaotic environments where mom abused alcohol or dad raged violently. Or maybe mom and dad were so busy working, they simply never spent time together as a family. Whatever the reason, </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">they didn't have mom or dad there to teach them important emotion- and attention-regulation skills. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And without these skills, it's hard to succeed in life. Perhaps most significantly, those with ADHD struggle with relationships. They often have a hard time reading other people and, though they seek stimulation, they may feel overwhelmed and anxious in social situations. They may sweat, blush, and shake when faced with group situations or public speaking. And they may worry and even obsess about how others perceive them, often assuming the worst.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wait a second...am I talking about ADHD or social anxiety?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Double Winners</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As a specialist in social anxiety, I've seen a signficant overlap (what we call "comorbidity" in psychobabble terms) between ADHD and social anxiety. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It turns out that <b>30-40% of those with ADHD also struggle with an anxiety disorder</b>, according to <a href="http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/when-adhd-and-anxiety-occur-together/" target="_blank">PsychCentral.com</a>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There are a number of potential reasons for this overlap, including:</span><br />
<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Genetics.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The stress and social impacts of one condition causing the other to develop. For example, being teased in school for being forgetful or easily distracted could cause one to feel socially anxious around peers throughout life.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Heightened sensitivity, e.g. a tendency to become overwhelmed in social situations due to anxiety, leading to forgetfulness and distractability.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">An "atypical" brain structure, i.e. both </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ADHD and S.A. contribute to and develop from brain wiring that's different from the "neurotypical" population.</span></li>
</ol>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Two Birds, One Treatment</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Living with both ADHD and social anxiety ain't easy. But here's the good news -- many treatment methods address both issues. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let's look at treatment through the lens of <a href="http://drdansiegel.com/about/interpersonal_neurobiology/" target="_blank">interpersonal neurobiology</a>, which looks at the way our mind (i.e. thinking and feeling patterns) and relationships actually alter the structure of our brains. In recent years, science has discovered that, contrary to what we once thought, the brain is plastic and changes throughout our lives in response to our experiences. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What does this mean for ADHD and S.A. treatment? Essentially, we have the power to alter the connections in our craniums so that we are calmer and more attentive. And what's good for the goose is good for the gander -- working on increasing attentiveness conveniently strengthens the part of the brain -- the insula -- that soothes anxiety.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Brain tools we can use to live more fully in spite of ADHD and S.A. include:</span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.jessicaengle.com/" target="_blank">Individual pscyhotherapy</a></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://jessicaengle.com/groups%20and%20workshops" target="_blank">Group psychotherapy</a></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://jessicaengle.com/drama%20therapy" target="_blank">Drama</a></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mindfulness practices</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Art</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Journaling</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Developing supportive relationships</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Medicine</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nutrition</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Exercise</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Despite the rise in ADHD and prevalence of S.A., there are solutions. Feel free to <a href="mailto:jessicaengle@jessicaengle.com" target="_blank">contact me</a> or join one of my <a href="http://jessicaengle.com/groups%20and%20workshops" target="_blank">monthly workshops</a> if you would like help putting these tools into practice.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">References</span><br />
<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Randy McCommons, personal communication, 2012</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"When Anxiety and ADHD Occur Together" by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S. <a href="http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/when-adhd-and-anxiety-occur-together/">http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/when-adhd-and-anxiety-occur-together/</a></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"More About Interpersonal Neurobiology" by Daniel Siegel. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://drdansiegel.com/about/interpersonal_neurobiology/">http://drdansiegel.com/about/interpersonal_neurobiology/</a></span></li>
</ol>
Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-52296708658956484352012-08-24T14:47:00.003-07:002016-09-15T12:03:21.998-07:00Revitalize your Relationship<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ63dVdBVccZyT27B82Wm-w1tNbTwDlnaGOzCYKik6JPoXU8_02EEcoxzFkAEqUoYbwaLJc82COzVUddUjQl0yYZHhVTTdB9VqAdPK7ip1e1HXeMbaNt_bryTIfy0Y-Qt6Rtqv0MuyML3q/s1600/Hands+reaching+out.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ63dVdBVccZyT27B82Wm-w1tNbTwDlnaGOzCYKik6JPoXU8_02EEcoxzFkAEqUoYbwaLJc82COzVUddUjQl0yYZHhVTTdB9VqAdPK7ip1e1HXeMbaNt_bryTIfy0Y-Qt6Rtqv0MuyML3q/s320/Hands+reaching+out.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 9px;"><br /></span></div>
<ul>
<li style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Is your relationship
falling apart?</span></li>
<li style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Do you and your partner
fight frequently?</span></li>
<li style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Do you often feel angry,
guilty, or alone after interacting with your partner?</span></li>
</ul>
</div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">If you answered yes to
any of these questions, rest assured that you're not alone. It's normal
for couples to go through rough patches. Like many, you and your partner
may have painful disagreements about:</span></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Parenting</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Household
responsibilities</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Sex</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Money</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Communication</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">The future of your
relationship</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Addictions, including
alcoholism, workaholism, and porn addictions</span></li>
</ul>
</div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Many couples fight about
the same issue repeatedly, but never seem to get anywhere; with every
additional discussion, the issue becomes more and more painful and both
partners walk away feeling misunderstood.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Your relationship may be
in trouble now, but there is hope. You and your partner can revitalize your
relationship with the help of couples counseling (a.k.a. marital
counseling or couples therapy). If you are contemplating breaking up,
couples therapy can help you decide what's best for you and your family. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I
can help you:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 10pt;">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Discover ways to parent,
spend money, and manage responsibilities that make <i>both </i>of you
happy<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Revitalize your sex life<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Communicate more clearly
and feel heard again<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Resolve conflicts that
come up repeatedly<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Rediscover the
excitement and connection that drew you together<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I base my couples work
on attachment theory, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, Imago Therapy and
the work of John Gottman, John Gray, and Charlotte Kasl. I am uniquely trained
in drama therapy, which is especially helpful for couples who are stuck in
rigid roles and repetitive arguments. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I am particularly interested in helping couples work through sexual difficulties. I have 5 years experience as a human sexuality educator, artist, and activist, including: completing multiple honors-level courses on sexuality, romance, and gender; educating undergraduate students about sex and relationships as a health education intern; and production of several theater productions focused on women's sexuality and LGBTQ issues.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">If you want to
revitalize your relationship, </span></b><span style="background-color: transparent; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #272727; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">email me at <a href="mailto:jessicaengle@livingartscenter.org">jessicaengle@jessicaengle.com or</a></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #272727; font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: center;"> call 510-796-2000. And be sure to sign up for my</span><a href="http://www.meetup.com/Personal-Growth-for-Couples" style="background-color: transparent; font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: center;" target="_blank"> Personal Growth for Couples</a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #272727; font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: center;"> group on Meetup.com.</span></div>
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Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-82803201739613723112012-08-08T15:37:00.004-07:002013-06-21T20:25:04.313-07:00Shame on You<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><em style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #333333; line-height: 20px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify;">In the experience of shame, one's whole being seems diminished or lessened. The expression of shame is not just the desire to hide, or to hide my face, but the desire to disappear, not to be there. It is not even the wish, as people say, to sink through the floor, but rather the wish that the space occupied by me should be instantaneously empty.</em><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"> -- Bernard Williams, British philosopher</span></span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Shame often stands at the heart of social anxiety, dating difficulties, and rocky relationships. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mental health experts and philosophers have long studied and attempted to explain the nature and impact of shame. Many define it as a sense of being flawed and unworthy, feelings that easily sabotage intimacy.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sound familiar? </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Got some shame on you?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thankfully, there are a number of resources for dealing with shame. A list of resources for dealing with shame follows. If you find yourself needing extra support as you work through shame, I encourage you to make an appointment with a psychotherapist.</span></div>
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<ol>
<li style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><div>
<i>Shame: The Power of Caring</i> by Gershen Kaufman</div>
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<li><i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #000033; font-style: normal;"><em>Letting Go of Shame</em> by Ronald Potter-Effron</span> </span></i></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.healingshame.com/index.html" style="font-style: italic;">www.healingshame.com</a><i> - </i>training for therapists plus a list of excellent resources</span></li>
<li style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Soul Without Shame</i> by Byron Brown</li>
<li style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I Thought It was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey
from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough"</i> by
Brene Brown. (Note: this book used to be called <i>Women & Shame.)</i></li>
<li style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>The Gifts of Imperfection </i>by Brene Brown</li>
<li style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Brene Brown also has a TED talk worth watching: <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html" target="_blank">http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html</a></li>
<li style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alice Miller's works</li>
<li style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">John Bradshaw's <i>Healing the Shame that Binds You</i>. He
often mentions other resources on shame in <a href="http://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=A0S00MqtxyBQPDUABRX7w8QF;_ylu=X3oDMTBrc3VyamVwBHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDdmlkBHZ0aWQD?p=john+bradshaw+shame&vid=1EC56AE8D89A7D6054C81EC56AE8D89A7D6054C8&l=&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts1.mm.bing.net%2Fvideos%2Fthumbnail.aspx%3Fq%3D4519281229758540%26id%3D3bc2460459155e9fa70acbfbf1fd2cf0%26bid%3DyFRgfZrY6GrFHg%26bn%3DLargeThumb%26url%3Dhttp%253a%252f%252fw%20ww.youtube.com%252fwatch%253fv%253dsr1vq5CfUYU&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dsr1vq5CfUYU&tit=John+Bradshaw+-+Healing+the+Shame+that+Binds+You&c=0&sigr=11ak3fhhv&" target="_blank">his lectures</a>. </li>
<li style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child</i> by Thich Nhat
Hanh</li>
<li style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Patrick Carnes' works</li>
<li style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tara Brach's <i>Radical Acceptance</i></li>
<li style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">James Gilligan, <i>Preventing Violence </i>- his field is
violence prevention but his whole career is based upon his theory of shame and
death of the self.</li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #e47911; text-decoration: none;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0521356687/ref=oh_details_o04_s00_i00" target="_blank"><i>Crime, Shame and Reintegration</i></a> </span><span style="text-decoration: none;">by</span><span style="text-decoration: none;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 12pt;">John Braithwaite</span></span></div>
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Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-11842267722917673042012-07-30T09:52:00.002-07:002013-06-21T20:24:18.755-07:00Therapy Ain't Just for Women<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you think depression and anxiety don't affect men, think again. The CDC reports that "males take their own lives at nearly four times the rate of females and represent 78.8% of all U.S. suicides." </span>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I recently came across a great website on exactly this topic: <a href="http://www.mantherapy.org./">www.mantherapy.org.</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Like Dr. Mahogany says, manliness is not defined by the absence of emotions or mental health issues. All men face difficulties from time to time -- when life has lost its luster and/or thoughts of ending things start to creep up, the manly (and womanly) thing to do is to pick up the phone and make an appointment to talk with a mental health professional.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>If you are contemplating hurting yourself in the immediate future, call the <span style="background-color: white; line-height: 12px;">National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or call 9-1-1.</span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 12px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">“Keep in mind that part of growing up is dealing with difficult issues, and the benefits can be great if you have the courage to ask for help. Human beings are not designed to go through life alone. No one has to bear the burden of tough times all by themselves.” </span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #181818;">―</span> </span><a href="http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/35476.Jack_Canfield" style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: black;">Jack Canfield</span></a></i></span>Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-26027590898403643782012-06-23T13:34:00.002-07:002013-06-21T20:23:30.212-07:00<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">Gottman from Seattle's Love Lab can predict whether or not a couple will stay together for the long run within 96% accuracy. Learn more about one of his mantras -- "little things, often" -- here.</span></div>
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<a href="https://www.myasuris.com/content/articles/mental_health/love-relationships/Article_TipsForStrengtheningYourRelationship.htm" rel="nofollow nofollow" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; line-height: 18px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"></a><a href="https://www.myasuris.com/content/articles/mental_health/love-relationships/Article_TipsForStrengtheningYourRelationship.htm" rel="nofollow nofollow" style="background-color: white; color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">https://www.myasuris.com/content/articles/mental_health/love-relationships/Article_TipsForStrengtheningYourRelationship.htm</a></div>
</span>Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-80304126588406117992012-06-23T12:16:00.000-07:002013-06-21T20:23:02.469-07:00How Will Talking About the Past Help Me?<br />
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People often tell me they're hesitant to go to therapy because they doubt much can come from "bitching" or ruminating on childhood wounds. If you feel this way, consider two things:</div>
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1) Therapy doesn't have to be a venting session, nor <span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;">does it have to include hours of discussions about your mother. Many therapists offer a solutions-focused, future-oriented approach. In my practice, I use action-oriented approaches such as drama therapy, skills training, and goal coaching.</span></div>
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<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text" style="line-height: 12px;">2) Looking at the past may feel counterproductive. After all, you can't do anything about it now, right? Wrong.</span></div>
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 12px;">Research shows that our childhood relationships literally determine our brain development. If you grew up in an unpredictabl</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 12px;">e or difficult environment (even if only in some aspects), your body ma</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 12px;">y have learned to be anxious, depressed, or have a hard time in your adult relationships. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 12px;">Reviewing your memories and making sense of your life story with a therapist can actually rewire your brain and give you a form of physical integration that promotes health and happiness.</span></div>
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Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-91634444263631126432012-06-01T14:49:00.001-07:002012-06-01T16:28:53.086-07:00Dating Skills for Single Women<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-align: left;">I'm often asked why I only lead dating skills groups for men -- why not help women, too? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My very good reason is Pella Schafer Weisman, an incredibly talented, compassionate, and knowledgeable therapist who specializes in working with single women. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Pella runs a number of drama therapy workshops and groups that I highly recommend. In a few weeks she'll be leading:</span></div>
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<strong><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Single and Searching</i></span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A Drama Therapy Workshop for Women</span></strong></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Are you a powerful, independent woman* with a full life?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Do you long for intimacy with a committed partner?</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong>There is nothing wrong with you. You deserve love just as you are.</strong></span></div>
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<span style="color: darkslategrey; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />This workshop is a supportive space to explore issues surrounding dating, get clear on what you want in a partner, and clean up any old baggage that might be getting in the way. We will incorporate Drama Therapy techniques (including games, improvisation, and psychodrama) and verbal sharing. Drama Therapy is fun and playful, and can also go very deep. No theatre experience necessary.<br /><br />*Lesbian, bisexual, transgender, people of color, and all ages and stages of life and dating (or not dating) are welcome. </span></div>
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<strong><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Wednesday, June 13th, 2012</span></strong><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<strong><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">5776 Broadway, Oakland</span></strong><span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<strong><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">(15 minute walk from Rockridge BART)</span></strong><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<strong><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">$15 in advance/$20 at the door</span></strong><span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<strong><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">RSVP to <a href="mailto:pellasw@livingartscenter.org">PellaSW@livingartscenter.org</a></span></strong><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<strong><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">or</span></strong><strong><span style="color: #49535a; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span></strong><strong><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">510-595-5500, ext. 15</span></strong><span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong>About the Facilitator:</strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong>Pella Schafer Weisman</strong>, MA, Marriage and Family Therapy Intern #63779, supervised by Merry Ross, MFT #37401.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />I offer a unique combination of Drama Therapy, coaching techniques and relational psychotherapy to help my clients create healthy lives and relationships. I was single for many years and now I'm married to the love of my life. I want this for you!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong><a href="http://www.therapybayarea.com/">www.therapybayarea.com</a></strong></span></div>Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-6349566705650289752012-05-31T18:37:00.002-07:002013-06-21T20:22:14.176-07:00Social Anxiety in Couples<br />
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<b><i><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">Is social anxiety ruining your relationship?<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Do fears of rejection stop you from communicating
openly with your partner?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Do you feel guilty because your
partner wants you to socialize more?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Do you feel frustrated that your partner doesn't
like to socialize as much as you do?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Does it feel as though you are your partner's main
social contact?</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Social anxiety is an intense fear of being rejected and
humiliated. <b>Experienced on a regular
basis, SA can ruin one's relationships, particularly intimate
relationships. </b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Sometimes those with social anxiety pair up with extroverted,
non-anxious partners. Other times, social anxious people find one another
and couple. In both situations, couples feel the effect of S.A. and often experience
issues such as:</span><br />
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Fights about how and when to socialize</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Communication issues</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Resentment</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Guilt</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">The fear that “we’re just not right for each other”</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><b>Thankfully,
social anxiety doesn't have to devastate your relationship -- </b>thanks to
ongoing research, we now understand how to overcome social anxiety as well as
what couples need to do in order to maintain a happy, healthy relationship even
in the face of S.A.<b><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Here are a few tips for staying in love in spite of social
anxiety:</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<i><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">1.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-weight: normal;"> </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Make time to talk </span></b><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">One of the key aspects of social anxiety is the fear of being
rejected. This translates into self-disclosure
avoidance, which all but stops communication between partners. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">If you find you or your partner avoid discussing important issues,
remember that communication is key in happy, lasting relationships. Get back on track by first discussing social
anxiety and how it affects your relationship.
Both partners need time and space to speak openly about their fears and
frustrations. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">If you find communicating openly with your partner too difficult,
I recommend seeing a couples therapist. Many
people find that social anxiety loses some of its power once it’s acknowledged
openly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Blame
social anxiety, not your partner <o:p></o:p></span></b></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Social anxiety can take a toll on all aspects of your relationship,
including your sex life, emotional intimacy,
and equitable sharing of responsibilities.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">It’s normal to feel angry and sad that your husband can’t enjoy
himself at your birthday party, or that your girlfriend can’t seem to stop
nagging you about seeing a psychiatrist.
And it’s important to share those feelings, but doing so can backfire if
you fall into the trap of blaming your partner.
Instead, share your feelings about the real “bad guy”– social anxiety – and
save both you and your partner from defensiveness and shame, true intimacy
killers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><i><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Have
fun together</span></b></i></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Do you and your partner have a movie that makes you cry with
laughter? Or a pet that makes you both
smile? Social anxiety tends to bring up
sadness, guilt, and frustration. Make
time to find joy with your partner and remember why you fell in love in the
first place. While this may be difficult
in the face of your struggles, it can be a relationship saver.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><i>Get
treatment – both of you</i></span></b></li>
</ol>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Social anxiety can feel like a life sentence for both the sufferer
and his or her loved ones. But it isn’t. We know more about S.A. every day. Get support and stay on top of your recovery,
as S.A. does take persistent effort to heal.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">If you’re the partner of someone with social anxiety, make sure
you get support as well. One of the best
ways to support your partner is to practice excellent self care and learn as
much as you can about S.A.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">If you would like to put some of these tools into action and reconnect
with your partner, please contact me at </span><span class="skypepnhtextspan" style="background-color: white; line-height: 12.75pt; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span class="skype_pnh_print_container_1338585985">(510) 595-5500</span><span class="skype_pnh_container" dir="ltr" tabindex="-1"><span class="skype_pnh_mark"> </span></span></span></b></span><b style="background-color: white; line-height: 12.75pt; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">x36 or <span style="color: #548dd4;"><a href="mailto:jessicaengle@livingartscenter.org" style="cursor: pointer;" target="_blank"><span style="color: #548dd4;">jessicaengle@livingartscenter.org</span></a></span></span></b><b style="background-color: white; line-height: 12.75pt; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #548dd4;"><a href="mailto:jessicaengle@livingartscenter.org" style="cursor: pointer;"><span style="color: #548dd4;">.</span></a></span></span></b></div>
Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4167141141470027959.post-72828486875202916052011-08-24T23:05:00.000-07:002011-08-24T23:07:03.667-07:00Do You Feel Awkward in Social Situations?<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Shyness</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Social anxiety</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Fear of people</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Social phobia</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">It goes by many names. Surprisingly, up to 80% of people have experienced it at one time or another. And as many as 40% say that social anxiety is currently inhibiting their relationships, career ambitions, and/or self-esteem.<a class="sdfootnoteanc" href="http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=4167141141470027959#sdfootnote1sym" name="sdfootnote1anc"><sup>1</sup></a></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Social anxiety looks different for everyone. Some people are afraid of public speaking yet feel comfortable interacting one-on-one. Others shine in front of large, anonymous crowds, but have a hard time opening up to individuals. And still others are terrified of any and all social situations.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><b>Social Anxiety Symptoms</b></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">If you are socially anxious, you might experience some of the following in social situations<a class="sdfootnoteanc" href="http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=4167141141470027959#sdfootnote2sym" name="sdfootnote2anc"><sup>2</sup></a>:</span><br />
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</span></div><ul><li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><b>Physical Sensations</b></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><ul><li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Racing heart</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">A lump in your throat</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Excessive sweating</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Shaky voice</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Chest pain</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Nausea, diarrhea, or “butterflies” in the stomach</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Hot flushes or chills</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Blushing</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div></li>
</ul></li>
</ul><ul><li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><b>Behavior</b></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><ul><li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Turning down invitations and making excuses to avoid social situations.</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Never answering questions in class</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Arriving late or leaving early to avoid making small talk</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Offering help with the dishes at a party in order to avoid talking with others</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Not answering the phone</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Avoiding eye contact and talking quietly</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Wearing makeup to cover up blushing</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Having a couple glasses of wine before going on a date</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div></li>
</ul></li>
</ul><ul><li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><b>Thoughts</b></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><ul><li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">It's essential that everyone likes me</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">If someone rejects me, I deserve it</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">If I make a mistake at work, I'll be fired</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">I'll make a fool of myself if I give a presentation</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">People can tell when I'm nervous. I should be able to hide my anxiety symptoms.</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">People find me unattractive boring, stupid, lazy, incompetent, weird, weak, etc.</span></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Anxiety is a sign of weakness</span></div></li>
</ul></li>
</ul><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><b>How Do I Know I Have a Problem?</b></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">It's normal to experience shyness from time to time. To determine whether you are suffering from social anxiety, simply ask yourself whether your shyness has significantly impacted your quality of life. Have your relationships, work, or health suffered from your fear of social situations or public speaking? </span> </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><b>How to Heal Social Anxiety</b></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">The good news is that social anxiety is treatable. Some treatments include: cognitive therapy, medicine, social skills training, relaxation exercises, and exposure to feared situations.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">One of the best ways to lessen social anxiety is through drama therapy. By role-playing situations you're afraid of, your anxiety will wane. As with many things, practice is integral to improving social anxiety. Drama therapy allows you to face your fears and practice new skills in a supportive environment.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">If you would like to start on your path of recovery from social anxiety, here are a few actions you can take:</span></div><ul><li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><a href="mailto:jessicaengle@livingartscenter.org">Contact me</a> to set up an individual appointment where we'll discuss how you can overcome social anxiety.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Attend one of my <a href="http://www.livingartscenter.org/Living-Arts-Counseling-Center/UpComingEvents.htm">monthly Overcoming Social Anxiety workshops</a>, which take place on the 1<sup>st</sup> Sunday of each month from 1:00-3:00 p.m.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"></div></li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Sign up for <a href="http://www.livingartscenter.org/Living-Arts-Counseling-Center/Event/Overcoming+Social+Anxiety:+An+8-week+Drama+Therapy+Group_124.htm">Overcoming Social Anxiety: An 8-Week Drama Therapy Workshop</a>, which starts on October 23<sup>rd</sup>.</span></div></li>
</ul><div id="sdfootnote1"><div class="sdfootnote"><a class="sdfootnotesym" href="http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=4167141141470027959#sdfootnote1anc" name="sdfootnote1sym">1</a><span style="text-decoration: none;">Zimbardo, P.G.(1990). </span><span style="font-style: normal;"><u>Shyness: What it is, What to Do About It.</u></span><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"> Da Capo Press.</span></span></div><div class="sdfootnote"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><br />
</span></span></div></div><div id="sdfootnote2"><div class="sdfootnote"><a class="sdfootnotesym" href="http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=4167141141470027959#sdfootnote2anc" name="sdfootnote2sym">2</a>Antony, M.M., & Swinson, R.P. <u>The Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook: Proven, Step-By-Step Techniques for Overcoming Your Fear.</u><span style="text-decoration: none;"> Second Edition. Oakland, CA: New Harbringer, 2008.</span></div></div>Jessica Englehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13941886987827471563noreply@blogger.com1