3 Steps to Greater Confidence

Whether that you're looking for greater ease in your social, work, or romantic life, here are three steps you can take towards greater confidence.

1. Soothe

Confidence relies upon what psychologists call "distress tolerance," which is the ability to handle painful emotions and situations.  Distress tolerance -- and thus confidence -- rely upon our capacity to self-soothe, or give ourselves extra comfort and care in difficult moments.  

How do you support yourself when faced with a challenge? 

We can soothe ourselves using both internal and external resources. A resource is anything that supports us in a time of need. 

Examples of internal resources include: 

  -  Positive self talk

  -  Meditation

  -  Deep breathing

  -  Gratitude lists

External resources are things like:

  -  A cup of tea

  -  Your favorite pet

  -  Therapy

  -  Massage

To build your confidence, practice self-care on a regular basis and especially when stressed.  

2. Challenge

Once you've begun to increase your self-soothing skills, the next step in building confidence is to challenge yourself.

Intentionally place yourself in situations that you typically fear and avoid.  Choose situations that are challenging enough to raise your anxiety, but not so difficult that you can't get anything from the experience. Cognitive behavioral therapists suggest choosing situations that evoke an anxiety level of 30-50 on a scale of 0-100.

Before, during, and after placing yourself in an anxiety-provoking situation, use your new self-soothing skills. Only by combining soothing with challenge can we effectively and progressively expand our comfort zones.

3. Connect

Human beings naturally derive confidence from their relationships.  When we're isolated or
have difficult relationships, we're more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

To build your confidence, reach out for healthy connections. Find people who can empathize with you and understand what you're going through.  Here are a few suggestions:

  -  Support groups

  -  Online forums

  -  Understanding friends and family

  -  Psychotherapists

For most people, our relationships are both resources and challenges. See if you can soak in and store away the good moments and reframe the uncomfortable moments as opportunities to expand gain greater confidence.

If you're looking for soothing, challenge, and connection but don't know how to get started, join me for one of my upcoming workshops or groups, including my Overcoming Dating and Social Anxiety Skill-Building workshops and groups beginning in February and March, 2015.