Dating Conversation Skills

I'm frequently asked, “How can I stop myself from freezing up, drawing a blank, or just plain running out of things to say when talking to an attractive wo/man?”

Others find they blurt things out and can’t stop talking when they’re anxious.

It can be very helpful to have a concrete list of “do’s and don’ts’” to fall back on when you go blank or can’t stop talking.  Here are a couple do's and don'ts lists that I compiled with fabulous fellow relationship coach/therapist, Jeremi McManus: 

Do	Don’t
Ask questions about:     ● Favorites     ● Passions     ● Experiences     ● Important people	Bring up loaded topics     ● Politics     ● Religion     ● Sex     ● Body image     ● Past relationships     ● Trauma
Talk about common interests and       emotions.	Focus solely on work.
Focus on things you’re grateful for,     adding a dash of what you struggle with.	Focus on what irks you (complaints), adding a     dash of what’s going well in your life.
Observe things about him/her that you     find attractive, interesting, or admirable.	Compliment him/her incessantly, particularly     on things s/he can’t control (e.g. his/her body).

As I mentioned above, what you talk about is important, but not as important as how you say it.

Remember – people don’t remember what we say, they remember how we make them feel. 

Do you help your potential mate feel understood and appreciated?  Here are a few ways to do just that.

Do	Don’t
Balance how much you are listening and     talking.	Talk incessantly or clam up.
Be playful.	Interview her, i.e. ask all the standard “getting    to know you” questions, machine-gun style.
Be curious.	Come with an attitude of “what can you give to     me?”
Flirt.	Get sexual too quickly.
Make observations about him or her.	Pull out your phone.
Be friendly to those around you.	Complain.
Self-disclose     ● Share a bit more about yourself than          you would with a new colleague or          friend.     ● Match your partner’s level of self-         disclosure.  ● If it feels as though the conversation’s stalled on the surface, lead the way by disclosing something personal.  ● Listen, mirror, and validate when your date shares something personal.	Stay on the surface or go too deep, too quickly.

You may be asking, “How can I remember to do these things, particularly when I’m anxious on a date?” 

Here are some tips for getting and staying in the zone prior to a date.

1.    Relax and Revitalize

•  If you tend toward fidgeting and talking too much on dates, do something relaxing right before going out.  Take a bath, take a nap, meditate, get a massage -- anything that will help your body find some calm.
•   If, on the other hand, you tend to draw a blank on dates, do something beforehand that stimulates and energizes you – go for a run, read an interesting book, take time for an engaging hobby -- anything that ignites your natural vitality. 

2.    Strut

•   Flirtation and confidence require high self-esteem. 
• Do what you can prior to a date to feel sexy and self-assured – wear your sexy jeans, give yourself a pep talk, playfully strut in front of the mirror, etc.

3.    Get Curious

•  Ask yourself what genuinely makes you curious about your date. 
•  Without editing, write those questions down, even the ones that feel a bit edgy. 
• Commit your questions to memory. 
•  Don’t be afraid to ask some of your “edgier” questions.  I find the questions we fear will be obtrusive often end up electrifying the connection between two people.  Of course, be judicious – remember the loaded topics from our “don’t” list. 

4.    Practice! 

• Many of these skills require repeated practice to master.  
•  Don’t be afraid to ask a friend to practice these skills with you.  The real root of drawing a blank or talking incessantly is anxiety, which often comes from lack of experience.