How Emotional Intelligence Can Get You Dates

Many of the men in my dating skills workshops report that they often don't know what to talk about when approaching women.

There are two common reasons why this happens to even the most talkative of men.

The first is anxiety – just like an actor who makes his on-stage debut only to forget the lines he had down pat in rehearsal, men can easily draw a blank when they feel pressured to “perform” for an attractive woman.

The second is emotional illiteracy. Due to neurobiology and socialization, men tend to rely on logic and critical thinking. As a result, many of them lack a “feeling vocabulary” - they don't know how to talk about or identify feelings.

How can developing emotional literacy help you have better conversations with women?

1. Women tend to be feeling-oriented. By learning to speak their language, you can be someone they enjoy talking to and see as a potential mate.
   
   
2. Studies showⁱ that if you can detect your own emotional state, you can generally soothe yourself in high pressure situations. This means less anxiety, which reduces your risk of drawing a blank in conversation with a woman you're attracted to.
   
   
3. Becoming emotionally intelligent means you are able to pick up on the emotions of those around you. Tuning in to how a love interest is feeling can give you clues about their interest level and give you an opportunities to offer validation and support, a integral part of building satisfying relationships.

So, how can you become emotionally intelligent? Here are 3 exercises:

1. Spend five minutes each morning doing a body scan meditation. Take note of any sensations.  Do you feel tingling in your legs, knots in your stomach, warmth around your heart? Getting familiar with your internal sensations is the first step towards identifying your feelings.
   
   
2. Check in with yourself throughout the day and try to identify how you are feeling. I recommend using a feeling face chart as an aide. If you have a hard time naming your feeling state, keep it simple.  Ask yourself whether you feel comfortable or uncomfortable. With practice, you'll eventually be able to identify specific emotions and may even notice that you often feel several emotions simultaneously. 
   
   
3. To help yourself tune in to how others are feeling, get familiar with the micro-expressions associated with the seven basic emotions.

Working with a therapist is another great way to increase your emotional intelligence. Contact me to set up a free 30-minute consultation and discuss how therapy can help you improve your love life.

And for you single men who are interested in learning more, I am holding a dating skills workshop on emotional intelligence on Sunday, April 24^th.

Sources

Fernandez-Berrocal, Pablo, Alcaide, Rocio, Extremera, Natalio  & Pizarr, David. "The Role of Emotional Intelligence in Anxiety and Depression Among Adolescents."  Individual Differences Research, 2006, 4(1).

Brizendine, Louanne. The Male Brain.  Broadway Books, 2010.