I'm frequently asked, “How can I stop myself from freezing up, drawing a blank, or just plain running out of things to say when
talking to an attractive wo/man?”
Others
find they blurt things out and can’t
stop talking when they’re anxious.
It can
be very helpful to have a concrete list of “do’s and don’ts’” to fall back on
when you go blank or can’t stop talking. Here are a couple do's and don'ts lists that I compiled with fabulous fellow relationship coach/therapist, Jeremi McManus:
Do
|
Don’t
|
Ask questions about:
● Favorites
● Passions
● Experiences
● Important people
|
Bring up loaded topics
● Politics
● Religion
● Sex
● Body image
● Past relationships
● Trauma
|
Talk about common interests and emotions. |
Focus solely on work. |
Focus on things you’re grateful for, adding a dash of what you struggle with. |
Focus on what irks you (complaints), adding a dash of what’s going well in your life. |
Observe things about him/her that you find attractive, interesting, or admirable. |
Compliment him/her incessantly, particularly on things s/he can’t control (e.g. his/her body). |
As I
mentioned above, what you talk about
is important, but not as important as
how you say it.
Remember
– people don’t remember what we say,
they remember how we make them feel.
Do you help
your potential mate feel understood
and appreciated? Here are a few ways to do just that.
Do
|
Don’t
|
Balance how much you are listening and talking. |
Talk incessantly or clam up. |
Be playful. |
Interview her, i.e. ask all the standard “getting to know you” questions, machine-gun style. |
Be curious. |
Come with an attitude of “what can you give to me?” |
Flirt. |
Get sexual too quickly. |
Make observations about him or her. |
Pull out your phone. |
Be friendly to those around you. |
Complain. |
Self-disclose ● Share a bit more about yourself than you would with a new colleague or friend. ● Match your partner’s level of self- disclosure.
● If it feels as though the conversation’s stalled on the
surface, lead the way by disclosing something personal.
● Listen, mirror, and validate when your date shares
something personal.
|
Stay on the surface or go too deep, too quickly. |
You may be asking, “How can I remember to do these things, particularly when I’m anxious on a date?”
Here
are some tips for getting and staying in
the zone prior to a date.
1. Relax and Revitalize
- If you tend toward fidgeting and talking too much on dates, do something relaxing right before going out. Take a bath, take a nap, meditate, get a massage -- anything that will help your body find some calm.
- If, on the other hand, you tend to draw a blank on dates, do something beforehand that stimulates and energizes you – go for a run, read an interesting book, take time for an engaging hobby -- anything that ignites your natural vitality.
2. Strut
- Flirtation and confidence require high self-esteem.
- Do what you can prior to a date to feel sexy and self-assured – wear your sexy jeans, give yourself a pep talk, playfully strut in front of the mirror, etc.
3. Get Curious
- Ask yourself what genuinely makes you curious about your date.
- Without editing, write those questions down, even the ones that feel a bit edgy.
- Commit your questions to memory.
- Don’t be afraid to ask some of your “edgier” questions. I find the questions we fear will be obtrusive often end up electrifying the connection between two people. Of course, be judicious – remember the loaded topics from our “don’t” list.
4. Practice!
- Many of these skills require repeated practice to master.
- Don’t be afraid to ask a friend to practice these skills with you. The real root of drawing a blank or talking incessantly is anxiety, which often comes from lack of experience.
