Dating Conversation Skills

I'm frequently asked, “How can I stop myself from freezing up, drawing a blank, or just plain running out of things to say when talking to an attractive wo/man?”

Others find they blurt things out and can’t stop talking when they’re anxious.

It can be very helpful to have a concrete list of “do’s and don’ts’” to fall back on when you go blank or can’t stop talking.  Here are a couple do's and don'ts lists that I compiled with fabulous fellow relationship coach/therapist, Jeremi McManus: 

Do	Don’t
Ask questions about:     ● Favorites     ● Passions     ● Experiences     ● Important people	Bring up loaded topics     ● Politics     ● Religion     ● Sex     ● Body image     ● Past relationships     ● Trauma
Talk about common interests and       emotions.	Focus solely on work.
Focus on things you’re grateful for,     adding a dash of what you struggle with.	Focus on what irks you (complaints), adding a     dash of what’s going well in your life.
Observe things about him/her that you     find attractive, interesting, or admirable.	Compliment him/her incessantly, particularly     on things s/he can’t control (e.g. his/her body).

As I mentioned above, what you talk about is important, but not as important as how you say it.

Remember – people don’t remember what we say, they remember how we make them feel. 

Do you help your potential mate feel understood and appreciated?  Here are a few ways to do just that.

Do	Don’t
Balance how much you are listening and     talking.	Talk incessantly or clam up.
Be playful.	Interview her, i.e. ask all the standard “getting    to know you” questions, machine-gun style.
Be curious.	Come with an attitude of “what can you give to     me?”
Flirt.	Get sexual too quickly.
Make observations about him or her.	Pull out your phone.
Be friendly to those around you.	Complain.
Self-disclose     ● Share a bit more about yourself than          you would with a new colleague or          friend.     ● Match your partner’s level of self-         disclosure.  ● If it feels as though the conversation’s stalled on the surface, lead the way by disclosing something personal.  ● Listen, mirror, and validate when your date shares something personal.	Stay on the surface or go too deep, too quickly.

You may be asking, “How can I remember to do these things, particularly when I’m anxious on a date?” 

Here are some tips for getting and staying in the zone prior to a date.

1.    Relax and Revitalize

•  If you tend toward fidgeting and talking too much on dates, do something relaxing right before going out.  Take a bath, take a nap, meditate, get a massage -- anything that will help your body find some calm.
•   If, on the other hand, you tend to draw a blank on dates, do something beforehand that stimulates and energizes you – go for a run, read an interesting book, take time for an engaging hobby -- anything that ignites your natural vitality. 

2.    Strut

•   Flirtation and confidence require high self-esteem. 
• Do what you can prior to a date to feel sexy and self-assured – wear your sexy jeans, give yourself a pep talk, playfully strut in front of the mirror, etc.

3.    Get Curious

•  Ask yourself what genuinely makes you curious about your date. 
•  Without editing, write those questions down, even the ones that feel a bit edgy. 
• Commit your questions to memory. 
•  Don’t be afraid to ask some of your “edgier” questions.  I find the questions we fear will be obtrusive often end up electrifying the connection between two people.  Of course, be judicious – remember the loaded topics from our “don’t” list. 

4.    Practice! 

• Many of these skills require repeated practice to master.  
•  Don’t be afraid to ask a friend to practice these skills with you.  The real root of drawing a blank or talking incessantly is anxiety, which often comes from lack of experience.  

Social Anxiety in Couples

Is social anxiety ruining your relationship?

• Do fears of rejection stop you from communicating openly with your partner?
• Do you feel guilty because your partner wants you to socialize more?
• Do you feel frustrated that your partner doesn't like to socialize as much as you do?
• Does it feel as though you are your partner's main social contact?

Social anxiety is an intense fear of being rejected and humiliated.  Experienced on a regular basis, SA can ruin one's relationships, particularly intimate relationships. 

  

Sometimes those with social anxiety pair up with extroverted, non-anxious partners.  Other times, social anxious people find one another and couple. In both situations, couples feel the effect of S.A. and often experience issues such as:

• Fights about how and when to socialize
• Communication issues
• Resentment
• Guilt
• The fear that “we’re just not right for each other”

Thankfully, social anxiety doesn't have to devastate your relationship --  thanks to ongoing research, we now understand how to overcome social anxiety as well as what couples need to do in order to maintain a happy, healthy relationship even in the face of S.A.

Here are a few tips for staying in love in spite of social anxiety:

1.    Make time to talk

One of the key aspects of social anxiety is the fear of being rejected.  This translates into self-disclosure avoidance, which all but stops communication between partners.

If you find you or your partner avoid discussing important issues, remember that communication is key in happy, lasting relationships.  Get back on track by first discussing social anxiety and how it affects your relationship.  Both partners need time and space to speak openly about their fears and frustrations. 

If you find communicating openly with your partner too difficult, I recommend seeing a couples therapist.  Many people find that social anxiety loses some of its power once it’s acknowledged openly.

2. Blame social anxiety, not your partner

Social anxiety can take a toll on all aspects of your relationship, including  your sex life, emotional intimacy, and equitable sharing of responsibilities.

It’s normal to feel angry and sad that your husband can’t enjoy himself at your birthday party, or that your girlfriend can’t seem to stop nagging you about seeing a psychiatrist.  And it’s important to share those feelings, but doing so can backfire if you fall into the trap of blaming your partner.  Instead, share your feelings about the real “bad guy”– social anxiety – and save both you and your partner from defensiveness and shame, true intimacy killers.

3. Have fun together

Do you and your partner have a movie that makes you cry with laughter?  Or a pet that makes you both smile?  Social anxiety tends to bring up sadness, guilt, and frustration.  Make time to find joy with your partner and remember why you fell in love in the first place.  While this may be difficult in the face of your struggles, it can be a relationship saver.

4. Get treatment – both of you

Social anxiety can feel like a life sentence for both the sufferer and his or her loved ones.  But it isn’t.  We know more about S.A. every day.  Get support and stay on top of your recovery, as S.A. does take persistent effort to heal. 

If you’re the partner of someone with social anxiety, make sure you get support as well.  One of the best ways to support your partner is to practice excellent self care and learn as much as you can about S.A.

If you would like to put some of these tools into action and reconnect with your partner, please contact me at (510) 595-5500 x36 or jessicaengle@livingartscenter.org.

How Power Postures Increase Self-Confidence

Men frequently ask me in my dating skills workshops, “How can I feel more confident when approaching women?” Here are a couple relatively quick and suprising body language tips for raising self-confidence.

Much of the research on “male heterosocial anxiety” (i.e. men feeling afraid to talk to women) focus on the power of thought. You must think positive thoughts in order to project confidence. Sound familiar? It's the siren song of today's cognitive-behavioral and “The Secret”/manifestation culture. While helpful for some, this message can be frustrating for others who have a difficult time actively changing their thoughts. After all, the brain will do what the brain will do. Thankfully, there are other entryways into a confident state of mind. Recent studies have shown that certain physical poses actually raise testosterone, the power hormone, and decrease cortisol, the stress hormone. The result? Posers feel more powerful and willing to take risks.

For those of you looking for a boost of confidence in social and dating situations, consider striking these poses in preparation:

»Rest your feet on a desk and clasp your hands behind your head.

»Lean forward over a table with your arms out. Rest your hands on the table.

»Stand with your head tilted back, chest puffed out and arms in the air.

»Any other pose or movement in which you take up as much space as possible.

If you liked these tips and want to learn more, consider attending one of my monthly dating skills workshops for men, joining my upcoming 8-week dating skills group for men, or working with me one-on-one. In each of these forums, you will learn dating skills, practice relating to women through role-play, and explore thoughts and feelings that may be preventing you from finding a romantic partner.

Sources:

“Practicing Certain Poses Creates a Sense of Power”

“Study: The Pose of a Champion is Innate”