Chronically Single? 4 Reasons You Haven’t Found Lasting Love (Yet)

Ellie arrives in my office for her first session.  She‘s visibly nervous.  As we sit and talk, she places her eyes intently on her feet, breaking away periodically to catch my eyes and smile shyly. 

“What prompted you to come in for dating help, Ellie?”  

“Well, I guess I started thinking about it on my 35^th birthday.”  Seeing 40 looming in the not-too-distant future, Ellie'd become terrified that her long-standing singleness might be terminal. 

“I haven’t had many relationships.  I’m not really sure why.  I’m pretty shy, but I would have thought I’d have more experience by now.”

As a therapist who specializes in dating, I’ve heard Ellie’s tune countless times:

• Little to no dating in middle and high school.
• Low confidence.
• Few if any long-term relationships.
• First dates that never turn into second dates.
• Resentment, confusion, and hopelessness
• A deep longing for love and no clue about how to find it.

I assure Ellie that I have some ideas.  I’ve seen clients go from zero relationship experience to happy, committed relationships, including lost virginities and found marital bliss.

Now for the big question: “If you had to guess, Ellie, what stops you from finding love?”

“Umm…I’m not sure, really.  Maybe I just don’t know how to have a conversation?”

1.   You Lack Dating Skills

Ellie continues, “I mean, I totally draw a blank when I’m talking to someone attractive.  I hate small talk, so dates are hard for me.  Maybe I need to learn some conversations skills?”

I reassure Ellie that many singles feel lost when it comes to dating.  Some of us grew up with parents who were so busy or unskilled themselves that they couldn’t give us the guidance we needed to succeed romantically.  And Hollywood/high school/peers certainly didn’t provide much in the way of realistic, concrete guidance or compassionate support.

Ellie and I begin our work by going over some basic dating skills.  We role-play a date.  I offer feedback to Ellie on body language, flirtation, and conversation skills.  I coach her on how move from small talk to intimate conversation, from mind-numbing social scripts --“where do you work?” – to an improvisation of words and embodiment that creates electric emotional connection.

“This is good,” says Ellie, a bit more energized now, “but it’s much easier to talk with you here than it is to talk to an attractive person in real life.  I totally freeze up and my mind goes blank.  I’ll probably forget everything you’re telling me.”

Ah, well that’s another issue entirely.  And a very common one.

2.  You Have Dating Anxiety

I talk to Ellie about Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), which is the crippling fear of being humiliated, embarrassed, or rejected.  According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, SAD affects 15 million Americans or 6.8% of the population. 

You don’t have to be diagnosed with SAD to experience social anxiety – it’s a common human experience.  We’re not only wired to seek relationships, we’re also sensitive to being cast out of the pack.  And who doesn’t have a memory of being rejected or humiliated?

Dating anxiety is a subset of social anxiety.  It can make you:

• Draw a blank and get unusually quiet
• Become overly talkative and have racing thoughts
• Avoid dating or approaching love interests entirely
• Tremble, sweat, or blush
• Feel overwhelmed with fear prior to dates
• Ruminate and obsess after dates
• Stop yourself from making a move for fear of offending or being rejected

I explain to Ellie that past experiences can prompt our brain to categorize dating as a life-or-death matter.  This isn’t conscious, of course.  But it sure is effective. 

With dating anxiety, an attractive wo/man walks in the room and our animal brain thinks a tiger’s barreling towards us, claws drawn. 

We freeze.  We flee.  We even fight (sometimes with others but often with ourselves via self-criticism).

Ellie and I discuss ways to overcome dating anxiety: mindfulness, cognitive-behavioral therapy, exposure therapy and – a combination of all the above and my favorite– drama therapy.

I emphasize to Ellie that one of the best ways to overcome dating anxiety is to do the things that scare you, gradually, intentionally, and with support. 

I can see Ellie’s anxiety start to rise again.  I feel a  “yeah, but…” coming. 

Anxiety uses all kinds of excuses and arguments to convince us that we can’t actually find love.  And for a good reason.  Remember that lunging tiger?  Anxiety’s commited to keeping us safe.  Problem is, that attractive barista at the café isn’t actually a threat to your life.

“But it seems like it’s really hard to meet single people. I don’t like bars – they’re too loud and I don’t like to drink.  And online dating doesn’t seem to get me anywhere.”

3.  You’re Drawing from a Tiny Dating Pool

Many singles get fixated on one dating source, typically online dating.  They spend hours creating and looking at profiles, sending messages, and riding the Will-S/he-Message-Me-Back Rollercoaster.  

By the time they get to an actual date, they’ve thoroughly worn themselves out.  Add some dating anxiety and suddenly every date is high stakes. 

“This could be the one…oh, God, I hope this is the one so I don’t have to go through all that again!” An awkward coffee later and no second date on the horizon, they conclude that finding love’s impossible.

In the face of loneliness and discouragement, it’s easy to conclude that “all the good ones are taken.” 

Or “I’m just not attractive/confident/interesting enough.”

Or “online dating doesn’t work, especially for me.”

Maybe.  Or maybe you’ve got to enlarge your dating pool.

Dating’s a number’s game.  You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince/ss. 

If online dating’s the only stream feeding your pool of potential mates, chances are you won’t have as many frogs needed for that final, magical kiss.

I explain this to Ellie and encourage her to start seeing every situation that involves people – church, the grocery store, even BART -- as an opportunity to meet her mate.  Singles are everywhere.

We also talk about getting to activities that singles tend to frequent, such as singles events, classes, and volunteer opportunities.  I recommend Ellie check out Meetup.com, Craigslist, and local event listings to learn about what’s happening in her area.

I can feel another doubt bubbling up.  Ellie’s body seems to wilt a bit and her eyes cast downward again.

“Okay, so I can meet more people.  But I don’t know if I trust myself.  I always seem to date jerks who disappear after we have sex or when I start talking about taking things to the next level.”

4.   You Like & Attract Commitment-Phobes

Ellie describes a typical and painful dating pattern: the Anxious-Avoidant Dance. 

The dance goes like this: you’re magnetized to someone and fall head over heels.  Things seem to go really well for the first date, week, month and even year.  And then disaster strikes.

Ellie’s most recent round of this dance was with Sal, a beautiful and outspoken coworker.  Upon meeting, Ellie instantly felt that Sal was “the One.”

Ellie was on cloud nine when Sal asked her out.  But after a few hot and deep evenings, Sal turned cold, stopped returning Ellie’s texts and calls, and avoided her at work.

Ellie panicked. 

She left text, voice, and Facebook messages.  She spent hours obsessing about what she did wrong.  

When Sal ignored all of Ellie’s attempts to connect and eventually began dating a different coworker, Ellie went into hyper-self-castigation mode -- “I shouldn’t have been so needy.  I should have just backed off.”

The Anxious-Avoidant Dance is set to the music of insecure attachment, a maladaptive way of relating in intimate relationships.  There are two common expressions of insecure attachment – anxious attachment and avoidant attachment.

Anxiously attached people, like Ellie, fear abandonment on a conscious level and closeness on an unconscious level. Vice versa for avoidantly attached (a.k.a. “commitment phobic” or “emotionally unavailable”) people like Sal. 

Avoidantly and anxiously attached people tend to be attracted to one another.  Perhaps because they feel familiar to one another.  They confuse fear for love and immediate infatuation for long-term compatibility.

Heller and Levine talk about this Anxious-Avoidant Trap in their book Attached: The New Science of AdultAttachment and How It Can Help You Find—And Keep—Love, which I heartily recommend to Ellie.

As we continue to discuss attachment, Ellie’s eyes sparkle and her gaze steadies.  “I can’t believe there’s something that explains what I’ve been going through!” 

The Anxious-Avoidant Dance can be stopped with some education, self-understanding, and new behaviors.  I explain to Ellie that through our work, she can:

• Explore the roots of her insecure attachment, e.g. the difficulties she experienced growing up with a distant, critical mother.
• Develop a secure attachment relationship with me, giving her first-hand experience and a model with which to compare other relationships.
• Learn how to detect whether a love interest is avoidantly attached.
• Identify anxious attachment behaviors and begin developing secure behaviors, e.g. effective communication and self-soothing.
• Make conscious her own hidden relationship ambivalence, which prompts her to unconsciously choose partners who won’t stick around.

Ellie’s body relaxes.  She smiles, still shyly, but with a new softness in her eyes.  “Thank you.  I’m so happy there might be something I can do.  I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

And you don’t have to be.

Join Jessica Engle, psychotherapist, drama therapist, and dating expert for an upcoming workshop or individual therapy – contact her at jessicaengle@jessicaengle.com or 408-622-1000.

Dating Conversation Skills

I'm frequently asked, “How can I stop myself from freezing up, drawing a blank, or just plain running out of things to say when talking to an attractive wo/man?”

Others find they blurt things out and can’t stop talking when they’re anxious.

It can be very helpful to have a concrete list of “do’s and don’ts’” to fall back on when you go blank or can’t stop talking.  Here are a couple do's and don'ts lists that I compiled with fabulous fellow relationship coach/therapist, Jeremi McManus: 

Do	Don’t
Ask questions about:     ● Favorites     ● Passions     ● Experiences     ● Important people	Bring up loaded topics     ● Politics     ● Religion     ● Sex     ● Body image     ● Past relationships     ● Trauma
Talk about common interests and       emotions.	Focus solely on work.
Focus on things you’re grateful for,     adding a dash of what you struggle with.	Focus on what irks you (complaints), adding a     dash of what’s going well in your life.
Observe things about him/her that you     find attractive, interesting, or admirable.	Compliment him/her incessantly, particularly     on things s/he can’t control (e.g. his/her body).

As I mentioned above, what you talk about is important, but not as important as how you say it.

Remember – people don’t remember what we say, they remember how we make them feel. 

Do you help your potential mate feel understood and appreciated?  Here are a few ways to do just that.

Do	Don’t
Balance how much you are listening and     talking.	Talk incessantly or clam up.
Be playful.	Interview her, i.e. ask all the standard “getting    to know you” questions, machine-gun style.
Be curious.	Come with an attitude of “what can you give to     me?”
Flirt.	Get sexual too quickly.
Make observations about him or her.	Pull out your phone.
Be friendly to those around you.	Complain.
Self-disclose     ● Share a bit more about yourself than          you would with a new colleague or          friend.     ● Match your partner’s level of self-         disclosure.  ● If it feels as though the conversation’s stalled on the surface, lead the way by disclosing something personal.  ● Listen, mirror, and validate when your date shares something personal.	Stay on the surface or go too deep, too quickly.

You may be asking, “How can I remember to do these things, particularly when I’m anxious on a date?” 

Here are some tips for getting and staying in the zone prior to a date.

1.    Relax and Revitalize

•  If you tend toward fidgeting and talking too much on dates, do something relaxing right before going out.  Take a bath, take a nap, meditate, get a massage -- anything that will help your body find some calm.
•   If, on the other hand, you tend to draw a blank on dates, do something beforehand that stimulates and energizes you – go for a run, read an interesting book, take time for an engaging hobby -- anything that ignites your natural vitality. 

2.    Strut

•   Flirtation and confidence require high self-esteem. 
• Do what you can prior to a date to feel sexy and self-assured – wear your sexy jeans, give yourself a pep talk, playfully strut in front of the mirror, etc.

3.    Get Curious

•  Ask yourself what genuinely makes you curious about your date. 
•  Without editing, write those questions down, even the ones that feel a bit edgy. 
• Commit your questions to memory. 
•  Don’t be afraid to ask some of your “edgier” questions.  I find the questions we fear will be obtrusive often end up electrifying the connection between two people.  Of course, be judicious – remember the loaded topics from our “don’t” list. 

4.    Practice! 

• Many of these skills require repeated practice to master.  
•  Don’t be afraid to ask a friend to practice these skills with you.  The real root of drawing a blank or talking incessantly is anxiety, which often comes from lack of experience.  

Passionate Intimacy: A Drama Therapy Workshop for Couples

*No theater experience required. Shy people welcome. LGBTQ couples encouraged to join.*

• Are you dissatisfied with your sex life?
• Are you and your partner in an intimacy rut?
• Has your relationship lost its spark?

If you feel something’s missing in your sex life, you’re not alone.  43% of women and 31% of men struggle with a significant sexual problem.  Most if not all couples experience a sexual problem at one point or another.    

In this workshop, we’ll explore the common sources of sexual disconnection, such as:

• Difficulties with libido
• Infertility, pregnancy and birth
• Affairs
• Erectile Dysfunction
• Sex addiction
• Premature ejaculation
• Aging
• Painful sex
• Sexual boredom in long-term relationships

Through group discussions and educational activities, we’ll discuss ways to address sexual problems.  We’ll use gentle drama therapy exercises to cultivate safety and creativity, which can help you and your partner revitalize sexual intimacy.

*No theater experience required. Shy people welcome. LGBTQ couples encouraged to join.*

Sunday, June 30th
11:00 a.m - 1:00 pm

 Living Arts Counseling Center
1265 65th Street (between Hollis & San Pablo Ave)
Emeryville, CA 94608

$50 per couple

FREE 50-minute consultation for all participants!

RSVP to jessicaengle@livingartscenter.org or 510-595-5500, ext. 36

Jessica Engle, MA, MFT Intern (#70116) helps single men, socially anxious adults, and couples build satisfying relationships and happier lives.  She is a graduate of the California Institute of Integral Studies, where she received an M.A. in Counseling Psychology with an emphasis in Drama Therapy. Jessica is supervised by Warren Randy McCommons, MFT #45485, RDT/BCT. www.jessicaengle.com

Social Anxiety in Couples

Is social anxiety ruining your relationship?

• Do fears of rejection stop you from communicating openly with your partner?
• Do you feel guilty because your partner wants you to socialize more?
• Do you feel frustrated that your partner doesn't like to socialize as much as you do?
• Does it feel as though you are your partner's main social contact?

Social anxiety is an intense fear of being rejected and humiliated.  Experienced on a regular basis, SA can ruin one's relationships, particularly intimate relationships. 

  

Sometimes those with social anxiety pair up with extroverted, non-anxious partners.  Other times, social anxious people find one another and couple. In both situations, couples feel the effect of S.A. and often experience issues such as:

• Fights about how and when to socialize
• Communication issues
• Resentment
• Guilt
• The fear that “we’re just not right for each other”

Thankfully, social anxiety doesn't have to devastate your relationship --  thanks to ongoing research, we now understand how to overcome social anxiety as well as what couples need to do in order to maintain a happy, healthy relationship even in the face of S.A.

Here are a few tips for staying in love in spite of social anxiety:

1.    Make time to talk

One of the key aspects of social anxiety is the fear of being rejected.  This translates into self-disclosure avoidance, which all but stops communication between partners.

If you find you or your partner avoid discussing important issues, remember that communication is key in happy, lasting relationships.  Get back on track by first discussing social anxiety and how it affects your relationship.  Both partners need time and space to speak openly about their fears and frustrations. 

If you find communicating openly with your partner too difficult, I recommend seeing a couples therapist.  Many people find that social anxiety loses some of its power once it’s acknowledged openly.

2. Blame social anxiety, not your partner

Social anxiety can take a toll on all aspects of your relationship, including  your sex life, emotional intimacy, and equitable sharing of responsibilities.

It’s normal to feel angry and sad that your husband can’t enjoy himself at your birthday party, or that your girlfriend can’t seem to stop nagging you about seeing a psychiatrist.  And it’s important to share those feelings, but doing so can backfire if you fall into the trap of blaming your partner.  Instead, share your feelings about the real “bad guy”– social anxiety – and save both you and your partner from defensiveness and shame, true intimacy killers.

3. Have fun together

Do you and your partner have a movie that makes you cry with laughter?  Or a pet that makes you both smile?  Social anxiety tends to bring up sadness, guilt, and frustration.  Make time to find joy with your partner and remember why you fell in love in the first place.  While this may be difficult in the face of your struggles, it can be a relationship saver.

4. Get treatment – both of you

Social anxiety can feel like a life sentence for both the sufferer and his or her loved ones.  But it isn’t.  We know more about S.A. every day.  Get support and stay on top of your recovery, as S.A. does take persistent effort to heal. 

If you’re the partner of someone with social anxiety, make sure you get support as well.  One of the best ways to support your partner is to practice excellent self care and learn as much as you can about S.A.

If you would like to put some of these tools into action and reconnect with your partner, please contact me at (510) 595-5500 x36 or jessicaengle@livingartscenter.org.