Pop quiz -- how
do you feel as you read the following statements?
- “You’re
always late.”
- “I
feel anxious when you show up late.”
- “You
never take me out anymore.”
- “When
you take me out, I feel connected to you. I’m sad we haven’t done that lately.”
- “You
jerk!”
- “I
feel really angry right now.”
I’m guessing you
felt tense and defensive as you read some of the statements and neutral,
relieved, or even relaxed as you read others.
Reader, meet
I-statements. I-statements, Reader. I think you two could do big things together.
If you’re
looking to improve your communication with your partner, I highly recommend
adding I-statements --also known as I-messages – to your toolkit. I-statements encourage openness and ongoing
dialogue, while you-statements tend to incite anger and defensiveness.
I-Statements
versus You-Statements
Here’s a
handy dandy chart outlining the differences between I- and You-Statements:
You-Statements
|
I-Statements
|
May be/include:
|
Example:
|
May be/include:
|
Example:
|
|
|
“You didn’t clean up
like you promised you would! You upset me so much!”
|
|
“I feel angry that the
trash hasn’t been taken out yet.”
|
|
|
“You make me feel so unattractive!”
|
Taking responsibility
for one’s feelings
|
“When you don’t
compliment me on my appearance, I feel insecure.”
|
Focuses on the problem
without offering a solution
|
“You’re just not
understanding!”
|
Identifies what one
wants/needs
|
“I’m feeling sad and could
use a hug.”
|
|
|
“You really should
look for another job.”
|
Focuses on the present
moment
|
“I’m noticing that I
feel anxious right now as I’m listening to you talk about work.”
|
|
|
|
Labels one’s feelings
rather than another’s character
|
“I feel sad when you
choose to spend time with your friends on Friday nights.”
|
|
|
“You’re so forgetful. You must have ADHD or something.”
|
|
“When you forget
things I’ve said in conversations, I feel hurt and forgotten.”
|
States an opinion as
though it’s a fact.
|
“This is stupid. You don’t know what you’re doing at all. We should just give up.”
|
Acknowledges others
may have different opinions.
|
“I notice I’m feeling frustrated
and want to give up. How are you
feeling?”
|
A
Powerful I-Statement Formula
Here’s a
great formula for expressing yourself using I-Statements:
Start
with identifying the behavior that you would like to communicate about. Be as specific and concrete as possible.
Example: “When you don’t call me to let me know you’re going to be late for
dinner…”
While
this statement includes the word “you,” we can avoid the pitfalls of you-statements
using specific, non-judgmental language.
This along with a calm, neutral tone of voice and body language can help
prevent defensiveness.
Name
the emotion that you feel when #1 happens.
Again,
be as specific as possible. Avoid vague
terms like “upset” and “bad” and opt for words that will allow your partner to
understand exactly what you’re feeling, e.g. sad, angry, afraid, exuberant
(side note – you can remember these four basic emotions using the acronym
SAFE. Most emotions are spin-offs and
combinations of SAFE). Check out a feeling chart if you need help
naming your emotion.
Note!
Beware of the disguised you-statement pitfall, which usually starts with “I
think that” or “I feel like.” For
example, “I think that you are trying to make me jealous on purpose” and “I
feel like you just don’t like my family” both start with "I" but focus on the other
person in a blaming, judgmental manner.
Example:
“When you don’t call me to let me know you’re going to be late for dinner, I
feel anxious and frustrated.”
Empathy
is one of the best ways to keep a difficult conversation flowing. With this statement, you’ll step into your
partner’s shoes and guess at the good reason s/he acts this way.
Example:
“When you don’t call me to let me know you’re going to be late for dinner, I
feel anxious and frustrated. I imagine you’re caught up in work, something you work hard at because you want to give us a good life.”
4. I
need/want___________.
Identify
what you want and need in this situation.
Example:
“When you don’t call me to let me know you’re going to be late for dinner, I
feel anxious and frustrated. I imagine
you’re caught up in work, something you work hard at because you want to give us a
good life. I need reliability and consistency in our relationship.”
It
can be tempting to say “I need you to…,” but this is a disguised you-statement. If you struggle with identifying I-statement
needs, take a look at this NVC inventory of needs.
Here
you can make a request of your partner. Remember,
specific and concrete is best.
Example:
“When you don’t call me to let me know you’re going to be late for dinner, I
feel anxious and frustrated. I imagine you’re caught up in work, something you work hard at because you want to give us a good life. I need reliability and consistency in our relationship. Would you please call me at 5 p.m. each day
to let me know how much longer you’ll be?”
Your
request can also focus on the present moment.
Example: “Would you please hug me and, if you’re open to it, reassure me that you’ll
call if you’re late?”
Using this
formula can help you communicate clearly and assertively with your partner without
sacrificing heart or instigating conflict.
As with
anything, this tool takes practice. I
encourage you to share this article with your partner and begin practicing with
one another. If your partner is
resistant or you need extra support, find a buddy or therapist to practice with, as this tool will help
you feel empowered, clear, and loving in the midst of conflict.
My monthly couples workshops are a great place to practice I-statements. I’ll be
discussing this tool in more depth at this month's workshop, which takes place on on October 16th:
Personal Growth for
Couples
A Monthly Drama
Therapy* Workshop
This
Month's Topic: Communication Skills
*No theater experience required. Shy and LGBTQ couples encouraged to join*
A workshop for couples who want to revitalize their
relationship. Explore common problem areas for couples,such as:
· Communication
· Money
· Sex
· Parenting
· Addiction
· Life transitions
· Depression, anxiety,
and other mental health issues
Meet like-minded
couples, learn relationship skills, and resolve difficulties in your
partnership. Through role-playing, drama therapy exercises, and group
discussion, you will get a fresh perspective on your relationship and connect
with your partner in a new way.
7:00 - 9:00 pm
Second Tuesday of
Every Month
The East Bay Healing
Collective
1840 Alcatraz Avenue,
Berkeley
Fee per couple: $30 in
advance, $45 at the door
Space is limited - to hold your spot, send $15 via PayPal to info@livingartscenter.org
