Book Recommendations for Singles

Here are some great books to check out if you're looking for love, sex, and romance. 

I''m offering my own recommendations as well as those from clients and colleagues.  I've *starred those I especially recommend.  

I love hearing about new resources -- if you have any suggestions, please share them below.

• *Attached: The New Science  of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find -- And Keep -- Love, by Amir Leving and Rachel S.F. Heller.

• *The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook: Proven, Step-By-Step Techniques for Overcoming Your Fear, by Martin M. Antony and Richard P. Swinson

• *No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life, by Dr. Robert A. Glover.

• *If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? Ten Strategies That Will Change Your Love Life Forever, by Susan Page

• *Do Gentlemen Really Prefer Blondes? Bodies, Behavior, and Brains -- The Science Behind Sex, Love, & Attraction, by Jena Pincott

• *Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, by Melody Beattie

• *How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships, by Leil Lowndes

• How to Win Friends & Influence People: The Only Book You Need to Lead You to Success, by Dale Carnegie

• Models: Attract Women Through Honesty, by Mark Manson

• Calling in the One: 7 Ways to Attract the Love of Your Life, by Katharine Woodward Thomas

• The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire, by David Deida.

• If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path, by Charlotte Kasl

• Truth in Dating: Finding Love By Getting Real, by Susan M. Cambell

• The Art of Mingling: Proven Techniques for Mastering Any Room, by Jeanne Martinet.

• The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide for Building Better Connections with Family, Friends, and Lovers, by John M. Gottman and Joan DeClaire
• It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy, by Amiira Ruotula-Behrendt
• Women that Run with Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estés
• Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood

Shame on You

In the experience of shame, one's whole being seems diminished or lessened. The expression of shame is not just the desire to hide, or to hide my face, but the desire to disappear, not to be there. It is not even the wish, as people say, to sink through the floor, but rather the wish that the space occupied by me should be instantaneously empty. -- Bernard Williams, British philosopher

Shame often stands at the heart of social anxiety, dating difficulties, and rocky relationships.  

Mental health experts and philosophers have long studied and attempted to explain the nature and impact of shame.  Many define it as a sense of being flawed and unworthy, feelings that easily sabotage intimacy.

Sound familiar? Got some shame on you?

Thankfully, there are a number of resources for dealing with shame.  A list of resources for dealing with shame follows.  If you find yourself needing extra support as you work through shame, I encourage you to make an appointment with a psychotherapist.

1. Shame: The Power of Caring by Gershen Kaufman
2. Letting Go of Shame by Ronald Potter-Effron 
3. www.healingshame.com - training for therapists plus a list of excellent resources
4. Soul Without Shame by Byron Brown
5. I Thought It was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough" by Brene Brown.  (Note: this book used to be called Women & Shame.)
6. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
7. Brene Brown also has a TED talk worth watching: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
8. Alice Miller's works
9. John Bradshaw's Healing the Shame that Binds You.  He often mentions other resources on shame in his lectures.  
10. Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child by Thich Nhat Hanh
11. Patrick Carnes' works
12. Tara Brach's Radical Acceptance
13. James Gilligan, Preventing Violence - his field is violence prevention but his whole career is based upon his theory of shame and death of the self.
14. Crime, Shame and Reintegration by John Braithwaite

How Will Talking About the Past Help Me?

People often tell me they're hesitant to go to therapy because they doubt much can come from "bitching" or ruminating on childhood wounds. If you feel this way, consider two things:

1) Therapy doesn't have to be a venting session, nor does it have to include hours of discussions about your mother. Many therapists offer a solutions-focused, future-oriented approach. In my practice, I use action-oriented approaches such as drama therapy, skills training, and goal coaching.

‎2) Looking at the past may feel counterproductive. After all, you can't do anything about it now, right? Wrong.

Research shows that our childhood relationships literally determine our brain development. If you grew up in an unpredictable or difficult environment (even if only in some aspects), your body may have learned to be anxious, depressed, or have a hard time in your adult relationships. 

Reviewing your memories and making sense of your life story with a therapist can actually rewire your brain and give you a form of physical integration that promotes health and happiness.

Social Anxiety in Couples

Is social anxiety ruining your relationship?

• Do fears of rejection stop you from communicating openly with your partner?
• Do you feel guilty because your partner wants you to socialize more?
• Do you feel frustrated that your partner doesn't like to socialize as much as you do?
• Does it feel as though you are your partner's main social contact?

Social anxiety is an intense fear of being rejected and humiliated.  Experienced on a regular basis, SA can ruin one's relationships, particularly intimate relationships. 

  

Sometimes those with social anxiety pair up with extroverted, non-anxious partners.  Other times, social anxious people find one another and couple. In both situations, couples feel the effect of S.A. and often experience issues such as:

• Fights about how and when to socialize
• Communication issues
• Resentment
• Guilt
• The fear that “we’re just not right for each other”

Thankfully, social anxiety doesn't have to devastate your relationship --  thanks to ongoing research, we now understand how to overcome social anxiety as well as what couples need to do in order to maintain a happy, healthy relationship even in the face of S.A.

Here are a few tips for staying in love in spite of social anxiety:

1.    Make time to talk

One of the key aspects of social anxiety is the fear of being rejected.  This translates into self-disclosure avoidance, which all but stops communication between partners.

If you find you or your partner avoid discussing important issues, remember that communication is key in happy, lasting relationships.  Get back on track by first discussing social anxiety and how it affects your relationship.  Both partners need time and space to speak openly about their fears and frustrations. 

If you find communicating openly with your partner too difficult, I recommend seeing a couples therapist.  Many people find that social anxiety loses some of its power once it’s acknowledged openly.

2. Blame social anxiety, not your partner

Social anxiety can take a toll on all aspects of your relationship, including  your sex life, emotional intimacy, and equitable sharing of responsibilities.

It’s normal to feel angry and sad that your husband can’t enjoy himself at your birthday party, or that your girlfriend can’t seem to stop nagging you about seeing a psychiatrist.  And it’s important to share those feelings, but doing so can backfire if you fall into the trap of blaming your partner.  Instead, share your feelings about the real “bad guy”– social anxiety – and save both you and your partner from defensiveness and shame, true intimacy killers.

3. Have fun together

Do you and your partner have a movie that makes you cry with laughter?  Or a pet that makes you both smile?  Social anxiety tends to bring up sadness, guilt, and frustration.  Make time to find joy with your partner and remember why you fell in love in the first place.  While this may be difficult in the face of your struggles, it can be a relationship saver.

4. Get treatment – both of you

Social anxiety can feel like a life sentence for both the sufferer and his or her loved ones.  But it isn’t.  We know more about S.A. every day.  Get support and stay on top of your recovery, as S.A. does take persistent effort to heal. 

If you’re the partner of someone with social anxiety, make sure you get support as well.  One of the best ways to support your partner is to practice excellent self care and learn as much as you can about S.A.

If you would like to put some of these tools into action and reconnect with your partner, please contact me at (510) 595-5500 x36 or jessicaengle@livingartscenter.org.

Feeling Chart

I often recommend a feeling chart like this to men who are just learning how to identify their feelings and detect how others are feeling - a great skill to learn if you want to connect better with women and build a satisfying relationship.

Source: http://www.godvertiser.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/feelings-chart-godvertiser-dot-com.jpg