Chronically Single? 4 Reasons You Haven’t Found Lasting Love (Yet)

Ellie arrives in my office for her first session.  She‘s visibly nervous.  As we sit and talk, she places her eyes intently on her feet, breaking away periodically to catch my eyes and smile shyly. 

“What prompted you to come in for dating help, Ellie?”  

“Well, I guess I started thinking about it on my 35^th birthday.”  Seeing 40 looming in the not-too-distant future, Ellie'd become terrified that her long-standing singleness might be terminal. 

“I haven’t had many relationships.  I’m not really sure why.  I’m pretty shy, but I would have thought I’d have more experience by now.”

As a therapist who specializes in dating, I’ve heard Ellie’s tune countless times:

• Little to no dating in middle and high school.
• Low confidence.
• Few if any long-term relationships.
• First dates that never turn into second dates.
• Resentment, confusion, and hopelessness
• A deep longing for love and no clue about how to find it.

I assure Ellie that I have some ideas.  I’ve seen clients go from zero relationship experience to happy, committed relationships, including lost virginities and found marital bliss.

Now for the big question: “If you had to guess, Ellie, what stops you from finding love?”

“Umm…I’m not sure, really.  Maybe I just don’t know how to have a conversation?”

1.   You Lack Dating Skills

Ellie continues, “I mean, I totally draw a blank when I’m talking to someone attractive.  I hate small talk, so dates are hard for me.  Maybe I need to learn some conversations skills?”

I reassure Ellie that many singles feel lost when it comes to dating.  Some of us grew up with parents who were so busy or unskilled themselves that they couldn’t give us the guidance we needed to succeed romantically.  And Hollywood/high school/peers certainly didn’t provide much in the way of realistic, concrete guidance or compassionate support.

Ellie and I begin our work by going over some basic dating skills.  We role-play a date.  I offer feedback to Ellie on body language, flirtation, and conversation skills.  I coach her on how move from small talk to intimate conversation, from mind-numbing social scripts --“where do you work?” – to an improvisation of words and embodiment that creates electric emotional connection.

“This is good,” says Ellie, a bit more energized now, “but it’s much easier to talk with you here than it is to talk to an attractive person in real life.  I totally freeze up and my mind goes blank.  I’ll probably forget everything you’re telling me.”

Ah, well that’s another issue entirely.  And a very common one.

2.  You Have Dating Anxiety

I talk to Ellie about Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), which is the crippling fear of being humiliated, embarrassed, or rejected.  According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, SAD affects 15 million Americans or 6.8% of the population. 

You don’t have to be diagnosed with SAD to experience social anxiety – it’s a common human experience.  We’re not only wired to seek relationships, we’re also sensitive to being cast out of the pack.  And who doesn’t have a memory of being rejected or humiliated?

Dating anxiety is a subset of social anxiety.  It can make you:

• Draw a blank and get unusually quiet
• Become overly talkative and have racing thoughts
• Avoid dating or approaching love interests entirely
• Tremble, sweat, or blush
• Feel overwhelmed with fear prior to dates
• Ruminate and obsess after dates
• Stop yourself from making a move for fear of offending or being rejected

I explain to Ellie that past experiences can prompt our brain to categorize dating as a life-or-death matter.  This isn’t conscious, of course.  But it sure is effective. 

With dating anxiety, an attractive wo/man walks in the room and our animal brain thinks a tiger’s barreling towards us, claws drawn. 

We freeze.  We flee.  We even fight (sometimes with others but often with ourselves via self-criticism).

Ellie and I discuss ways to overcome dating anxiety: mindfulness, cognitive-behavioral therapy, exposure therapy and – a combination of all the above and my favorite– drama therapy.

I emphasize to Ellie that one of the best ways to overcome dating anxiety is to do the things that scare you, gradually, intentionally, and with support. 

I can see Ellie’s anxiety start to rise again.  I feel a  “yeah, but…” coming. 

Anxiety uses all kinds of excuses and arguments to convince us that we can’t actually find love.  And for a good reason.  Remember that lunging tiger?  Anxiety’s commited to keeping us safe.  Problem is, that attractive barista at the café isn’t actually a threat to your life.

“But it seems like it’s really hard to meet single people. I don’t like bars – they’re too loud and I don’t like to drink.  And online dating doesn’t seem to get me anywhere.”

3.  You’re Drawing from a Tiny Dating Pool

Many singles get fixated on one dating source, typically online dating.  They spend hours creating and looking at profiles, sending messages, and riding the Will-S/he-Message-Me-Back Rollercoaster.  

By the time they get to an actual date, they’ve thoroughly worn themselves out.  Add some dating anxiety and suddenly every date is high stakes. 

“This could be the one…oh, God, I hope this is the one so I don’t have to go through all that again!” An awkward coffee later and no second date on the horizon, they conclude that finding love’s impossible.

In the face of loneliness and discouragement, it’s easy to conclude that “all the good ones are taken.” 

Or “I’m just not attractive/confident/interesting enough.”

Or “online dating doesn’t work, especially for me.”

Maybe.  Or maybe you’ve got to enlarge your dating pool.

Dating’s a number’s game.  You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince/ss. 

If online dating’s the only stream feeding your pool of potential mates, chances are you won’t have as many frogs needed for that final, magical kiss.

I explain this to Ellie and encourage her to start seeing every situation that involves people – church, the grocery store, even BART -- as an opportunity to meet her mate.  Singles are everywhere.

We also talk about getting to activities that singles tend to frequent, such as singles events, classes, and volunteer opportunities.  I recommend Ellie check out Meetup.com, Craigslist, and local event listings to learn about what’s happening in her area.

I can feel another doubt bubbling up.  Ellie’s body seems to wilt a bit and her eyes cast downward again.

“Okay, so I can meet more people.  But I don’t know if I trust myself.  I always seem to date jerks who disappear after we have sex or when I start talking about taking things to the next level.”

4.   You Like & Attract Commitment-Phobes

Ellie describes a typical and painful dating pattern: the Anxious-Avoidant Dance. 

The dance goes like this: you’re magnetized to someone and fall head over heels.  Things seem to go really well for the first date, week, month and even year.  And then disaster strikes.

Ellie’s most recent round of this dance was with Sal, a beautiful and outspoken coworker.  Upon meeting, Ellie instantly felt that Sal was “the One.”

Ellie was on cloud nine when Sal asked her out.  But after a few hot and deep evenings, Sal turned cold, stopped returning Ellie’s texts and calls, and avoided her at work.

Ellie panicked. 

She left text, voice, and Facebook messages.  She spent hours obsessing about what she did wrong.  

When Sal ignored all of Ellie’s attempts to connect and eventually began dating a different coworker, Ellie went into hyper-self-castigation mode -- “I shouldn’t have been so needy.  I should have just backed off.”

The Anxious-Avoidant Dance is set to the music of insecure attachment, a maladaptive way of relating in intimate relationships.  There are two common expressions of insecure attachment – anxious attachment and avoidant attachment.

Anxiously attached people, like Ellie, fear abandonment on a conscious level and closeness on an unconscious level. Vice versa for avoidantly attached (a.k.a. “commitment phobic” or “emotionally unavailable”) people like Sal. 

Avoidantly and anxiously attached people tend to be attracted to one another.  Perhaps because they feel familiar to one another.  They confuse fear for love and immediate infatuation for long-term compatibility.

Heller and Levine talk about this Anxious-Avoidant Trap in their book Attached: The New Science of AdultAttachment and How It Can Help You Find—And Keep—Love, which I heartily recommend to Ellie.

As we continue to discuss attachment, Ellie’s eyes sparkle and her gaze steadies.  “I can’t believe there’s something that explains what I’ve been going through!” 

The Anxious-Avoidant Dance can be stopped with some education, self-understanding, and new behaviors.  I explain to Ellie that through our work, she can:

• Explore the roots of her insecure attachment, e.g. the difficulties she experienced growing up with a distant, critical mother.
• Develop a secure attachment relationship with me, giving her first-hand experience and a model with which to compare other relationships.
• Learn how to detect whether a love interest is avoidantly attached.
• Identify anxious attachment behaviors and begin developing secure behaviors, e.g. effective communication and self-soothing.
• Make conscious her own hidden relationship ambivalence, which prompts her to unconsciously choose partners who won’t stick around.

Ellie’s body relaxes.  She smiles, still shyly, but with a new softness in her eyes.  “Thank you.  I’m so happy there might be something I can do.  I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

And you don’t have to be.

Join Jessica Engle, psychotherapist, drama therapist, and dating expert for an upcoming workshop or individual therapy – contact her at jessicaengle@jessicaengle.com or 408-622-1000.

Passionate Intimacy: A Drama Therapy Workshop for Couples

*No theater experience required. Shy people welcome. LGBTQ couples encouraged to join.*

• Are you dissatisfied with your sex life?
• Are you and your partner in an intimacy rut?
• Has your relationship lost its spark?

If you feel something’s missing in your sex life, you’re not alone.  43% of women and 31% of men struggle with a significant sexual problem.  Most if not all couples experience a sexual problem at one point or another.    

In this workshop, we’ll explore the common sources of sexual disconnection, such as:

• Difficulties with libido
• Infertility, pregnancy and birth
• Affairs
• Erectile Dysfunction
• Sex addiction
• Premature ejaculation
• Aging
• Painful sex
• Sexual boredom in long-term relationships

Through group discussions and educational activities, we’ll discuss ways to address sexual problems.  We’ll use gentle drama therapy exercises to cultivate safety and creativity, which can help you and your partner revitalize sexual intimacy.

*No theater experience required. Shy people welcome. LGBTQ couples encouraged to join.*

Sunday, June 30th
11:00 a.m - 1:00 pm

 Living Arts Counseling Center
1265 65th Street (between Hollis & San Pablo Ave)
Emeryville, CA 94608

$50 per couple

FREE 50-minute consultation for all participants!

RSVP to jessicaengle@livingartscenter.org or 510-595-5500, ext. 36

Jessica Engle, MA, MFT Intern (#70116) helps single men, socially anxious adults, and couples build satisfying relationships and happier lives.  She is a graduate of the California Institute of Integral Studies, where she received an M.A. in Counseling Psychology with an emphasis in Drama Therapy. Jessica is supervised by Warren Randy McCommons, MFT #45485, RDT/BCT. www.jessicaengle.com

How to Achieve Your Goals in 2013

Ah, New Year's.  A time of review and goal-setting.  A time of gearing up for a "this-time-for-real" flurry of self-improvement activities.  Gym memberships.  Trips to the Container Store.  And all those resolutions to fix, trim, expand, fill, empty, connect, quit, start, give up, etc.

Ah, February.  A time of business-as-usual.  A time of sliding back.  Of guilt and self-admonishment with each drive past the gym, each night watching "Big Bang Theory" instead of getting out, each minute spent on Facebook rather than on that self-help book.

What is it that stops us from accomplishing our goals?  How can we be so resolute at the beginning of the year and so disinterested a month, a week, even a day later?

Many obstacles get in the way of our goals. We have many names for this all-too-human pattern of resolution and regression: force of habit, fear of change, lack of willpower, lack of money, lack of time, laziness, etc.

Here are three thoughts to ponder this year as you contemplate resolutions for 2013:

1. Forgive yourself in advance.  

You will fail at reaching your goal -- I guarantee it.  You are human.  Your fabulous power of imagination will always fall short of your dream's actualization.  

This doesn't mean you're destined for tragic mediocrity. It merely means that the luscious forest you conjure up in your mind's eye and excitedly draw may end up looking like a collection of skinny, flowering bushes.  

The question is -- can you appreciate those bushes for what they are?  For their sweetness and specific beauty?  Or will Perfectionism convince you that you've failed?

Perhaps you've resolved to get out of the house three times a week in 2013.  And perhaps this turns into one social outing a week where you fight with the desire to become part of the wallpaper.  Can you appreciate yourself for your bravery? Remind yourself that once a week still helps?  And can you forgive yourself for needing to go a bit slower than your hopeful imagination can grasp?  

Forgive yourself in advance for your human limitations and let go of the need to fulfill your intention with exactitude.  In letting go of Perfectionism, you'll give yourself a better chance of continuing that once a week outing rather than staying at home on the premise that "I'm a failure and I shouldn't even try."

2.  Get support.

It's so easy to try to do it alone.  We're taught to keep our problems under wraps. Smile. Get 'er done.  

But we're animals.  We evolved from a time and place when social isolation meant death.  And though we're no longer on the savannah, we're still wired to need others.  Our happiness, health, and motivation skyrocket when we feel loved and supported.

Use this to your advantage.  Have a friend call you every morning to make sure you did your deep breathing for the day.  Find an activity buddy.  Tell your therapist you'd like to go over your goal action plan regularly.  Reporting to another person will give you accountability and emotional support as you reach for your goals.

The key here is to be specific and intentional about getting support -- schedule a time, make it regular, and ask for very specific things from your support figure.  Like goals, make your support system SMART -- specific, meaningful, attainable, relevant, and timely.

3. Attend to anxiety.

Remember that list of explanations for not reaching our goals?  Force of habit, fear of change, lack of willpower, etc.?  

I have a theory.

What if all those excuses are actually covering up the real culprit -- Anxiety?  And what if we chose to see Anxiety as the problem rather than beating ourselves up when we fall short of our goals?

This could be revolutionary.  After all, Anxiety is treatable.  

Here are a few ways you can beat Anxiety:

1. Get familiar with anxiety reduction tools.  Here's a great article from Psychology Today.  Read up and practice what you can on your own.
2. Face your fears in a supportive community.  I recommend joining a therapy group or special-interest group such as Toastmaters.  I run a number of Meetup.com groups focused on self-improvement, including Theater for Self-Improvement, Social Anxiety Improvement, Personal Growth for Couples, and Dating Skills for Single Men.
3. Take a look at this post I wrote a while back about motivating teenagers.  Even if you aren't a parent, it can help you understand how to support your inner teenager.
4. Work with an individual therapist to uncover and resolve the roots of your anxiety.

Remember: if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.  Get support, forgive failure in advance, and attend to anxiety.  You can achieve your goals.  And even if you fall short, remember to there's beauty in skinny, flowering bushes.

Sexual Dysfunction: You’re Not Alone

• 1 in 3 women and 1 in 5 men have little or no sex drive, totaling 25% of the population.

• 20% of women 5-20% of men face sexual arousal issues.  This includes lack of lubrication and erectile dysfunction.

• 1 in 4 women have an orgasmic disorder (e.g. inability to orgasm), while about 1 in 3 men experiences premature ejaculation.

• An estimated 3-6% of Americans struggle with sexual addiction, including compulsive masturbation, porn use, and cybersex.

It's easy to feel ashamed if you have a sexual problem.  The media inundates men and woman alike with conflicting messages about what sexuality should be – fast/long, hard/soft, multiple partners/save your virtue, multi-orgasmic/earth shaking, etc.  Other forces encourage us not to discuss sex at all, including abstinence-only sex education and avoidance of the topic in many families and religious/cultural groups.

Considering all this, it’s no surprise that many feel alone and ashamed when sexual problems arise. Yet, 43% of women and 31% of men struggle with a significant sexual problem abd most if not all couples face a sexual issue at one point or another.

So, if you’re struggling with a sexual issue, know that what you're experiencing is normal.  Sex is a complex interaction of personal expression and interpersonal connection, ripe for both pleasure and difficulty. 

What Causes Sexual Problems?

Sexual difficulties may arise from:

• Fear of poor sexual performance
• Psychological issues
• Trauma, sexual or otherwise
• Pent up resentment and other relationship issues
• Stress
• Lack of time
• Aging
• Physical issues, e.g. chronic health conditions
• Medication side effects, including antidepressants
• Smoking, poor diet, lack of exercise, and other lifestyle choices

It’s important to look at all potential causes when identifying the cause of a sexual issue, as some issues are multi-faceted (while others are quite simple and straightforward).  A great way to do this is by speaking with a professional who specializes in sexuality such as a primary care doctor or therapist who specializes in sexuality.

Therapy for Sexual Dysfunction

While they can feel insurmountable, you can manage and even overcome sexual problems by unraveling their psychological roots.  A therapist who specializes in sexuality can help you do just that. 

Both couples and individuals can seek out therapy for sexual issues such as:

• Cheating, including online affairs
• Erectile Dysfunction (E.D.)
• Best sex practices
• Sex drive differences in a couple
• Low or high libido
• Premature Ejaculation
• Difficulty orgasming
• Sex and infertility, pregnancy, and birth
• Sex and aging
• Sex addiction, including addiction to porn
• Sexual assault, violence, and child abuse
• Psychoeducation for better sex, e.g. info on anatomy, sexual positions, etc.
• Vaginitis, vaginismus, and other issues that cause vaginal pain during sex
• Transgender, sexual orientation, and other queer identity exploration
• Polyamory, kink, and alternative sexuality questions

Therapy for sexual problems may include a range of activities, from education about the mechanics of orgasm to an in-depth exploration of your past sexual experiences.  As a therapist specializing in sexuality, I offer advice, tips, and concrete tools that you and your partner can benefit from in the short term.  I also help you understand and resolve the emotional roots of your sexual difficulties that can't be solved with quick tricks.  

If you would like to learn more about how therapy can help you resolve your sexual problem and build a fulfilling sex life, please contact me at (510) 595-5500, ext. 36 or jessicaengle@livingartscenter.org for a free 30-minute consultation.

Resources 

1. “Female Sexual Arousal Disorder (FSAD) Facts.” http://www.hystersisters.com/vb2/article_209459.htm
2. Hatzimouratidis, K., et. al. (2010) “Guidelines on Male Sexual Dysfunction: Erectile Dysfunction and Premature Ejaculation.” http://www.uroweb.org/fileadmin/tx_eauguidelines/2010/Trans/2010_Guidelines_on_Male_Sexual_Dysfunction.pdf
3. Pappas, S. (2010).“Orgasm-Seeking Women Find Little Help From Science
4.  “http://www.livescience.com/6755-orgasm-seeking-women-find-science.html
5. Weiss, R. (2012). Who Is a Sex Addict?. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 31, 2012, from http://psychcentral.com/lib/2012/who-is-a-sex-addict/
6. The Cleveland Clinic Foundation. (2012) “An Overview of Sexual Dysfunction” http://my.clevelandclinic.org/disorders/sexual_dysfunction/hic_an_overview_of_sexual_dysfunction.aspx

Shame on You

In the experience of shame, one's whole being seems diminished or lessened. The expression of shame is not just the desire to hide, or to hide my face, but the desire to disappear, not to be there. It is not even the wish, as people say, to sink through the floor, but rather the wish that the space occupied by me should be instantaneously empty. -- Bernard Williams, British philosopher

Shame often stands at the heart of social anxiety, dating difficulties, and rocky relationships.  

Mental health experts and philosophers have long studied and attempted to explain the nature and impact of shame.  Many define it as a sense of being flawed and unworthy, feelings that easily sabotage intimacy.

Sound familiar? Got some shame on you?

Thankfully, there are a number of resources for dealing with shame.  A list of resources for dealing with shame follows.  If you find yourself needing extra support as you work through shame, I encourage you to make an appointment with a psychotherapist.

1. Shame: The Power of Caring by Gershen Kaufman
2. Letting Go of Shame by Ronald Potter-Effron 
3. www.healingshame.com - training for therapists plus a list of excellent resources
4. Soul Without Shame by Byron Brown
5. I Thought It was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough" by Brene Brown.  (Note: this book used to be called Women & Shame.)
6. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
7. Brene Brown also has a TED talk worth watching: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
8. Alice Miller's works
9. John Bradshaw's Healing the Shame that Binds You.  He often mentions other resources on shame in his lectures.  
10. Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child by Thich Nhat Hanh
11. Patrick Carnes' works
12. Tara Brach's Radical Acceptance
13. James Gilligan, Preventing Violence - his field is violence prevention but his whole career is based upon his theory of shame and death of the self.
14. Crime, Shame and Reintegration by John Braithwaite